Thursday, October 14, 2010

Prestidigitation, and Other Naughty Sounding Words

I have spent quite a bit of time explaining WHY we felines do the things we do, but I've yet to explain HOW we do the things we do. Allow me to correct that oversight now.

Two leggers have always marveled at our many abilities. We can hear the sound of a tuna can being opened in a sound proof room, encased in lead, during a rap concert, in a hailstorm. We have the ability to defy gravity when it pleases us. We know to within .0001 millimeters, the spot on your body that hurts the most and the best way to step on said spot in order to cause the most discomfort. We are even able to become completely invisible if you decide that you need to remove us to a different room.

There is a perfectly reasonable and scientific explanation for how we do all this. It has been studied at numerous universities and other places where alcohol is consumed. The answer?


Yes, you read correctly. Magic.

I'll elaborate, but first I must explain for those unfamiliar with feline history how we came to receive these powers.

Very early in our history, long before the two leggers climbed down from their trees and started building cul de sacs, I believe it was during the Mittens Dynasty; the reigning patriarch, Tucker Ironclaw, discovered a magic catnip mousie thingy. (Back then catnip mousie thingies were made from real mousie thingies that had been caught and force fed catnip until they expired) While he was stalking his new toy, the spirit of the mouse appeared and offered Tucker three wishes if he'd spare him the indignity of being slapped and slobbered upon for countless hours. Tucker, being the wise ruler he was, demanded six wishes. They finally compromised and settled on 24 wishes.

His first wish was to make all dogs idiots. the next 22 wishes he spent on scratching posts, feathers and a Chia Pet. His last wish was to grant all future felines magical abilities. Not to use for the furtherance of peace on Earth or any such silly cause, but rather simply to amuse us.

The magical catnip mousie thingy was spared and the rest is history.

Now I can tell that many two leggers will be somewhat doubtful of my explanation. But trust me, the only parts of this story that are untrue, are the parts I made up.

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