Sunday, July 25, 2010

Interview with an Ivan

For some unknown reason, many readers of this blog have expressed an interest in cats other than myself. In an extraordinarily rare fit of charity, i have decided to accede to my readers wishes. I promise you however that charity has never been and never will be the norm where i am concerned. Normally the requests of others would be met with thinly veiled complete disinterest.

Before I introduce Ivan, let me give a description and short biography of this freak of nature: Ivan is a feline that seems to be created of spare parts. He has a tiny head mounted on a very large torso which is in turn mounted on extremely short stubby legs and followed by a short bottle brush tail. His markings are that of an orange tabby. Though his head is small, in comparison, his brain is like a BB in a boxcar. He is denser than a clump in a litter box. Since he is the closest thing to a friend that i have ever chosen to have, i will not insult him. I have never understood why, but he speaks with a Brooklyn thug accent.
Ivan is nine months older than I, and approximately five pounds heavier. He is a complete neat freak. Finally, let me say that the only thing Ivan enjoys more than food is breaking kneecaps. So on with the interview. (Ivan's words will appear in bold type)

Greetings Ivan
Uhm, hi boss. Food good, squirrel bad, sleep good, smack Tiger Lily good, ooh ooh ooh bug! bug yummy.

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