Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Cookie Chaos

As I mentioned in my FaceBook fan club the other day, my two leggers brought home a box thingy that read: "Super Gingerbread House Kit". The top of the box had a picture of an adolescent two legger and her mother looking with glee upon their lovely perfect creation.

Apparently, it was the intention of the two leggers to work together and create an entire gingerbread village. They had great plans of building several houses, a church, town hall, train station and the male even wanted to make a gingerbread outhouse (another of the male's strokes of genius that was wisely nixed by the female).

While my two leggers are both what some of you consider "artistic", (the male is a goldsmith, the female is known for her eye for interior design) they have never attempted to accomplish such an endeavor as building an entire gingerbread village.

I foresee two problems with their plan.
1. I have witnessed the male's attempts at building stuff.
2. They live with cats.

Perhaps the first issue could be overcome with diligent female supervision.

As to the second issue........that gingerbread village has about as much a chance of surviving as a purity pledge at Miley Cyrus' house.

I will spare you the details of the construction. Suffice it to say that it was a long, drawn-out process that ended with the female drinking a large amount of wine, and the male covered in five pounds of frosting and several hundred gumdrops and jelly beans. Apparently his propensity for attracting paint whenever he attempts to aid the female in interior decorating extends to icing and bakery products as well.

Well, the village has sat in all its splendor for the last three days. The two leggers have not had to go to work since its completion and therefore our opportunities for mass confection destruction have been limited. Ivan was all for an immediate late night cat-quake to level the village, but for something that took this long to create, we owed it to the two leggers to destroy it in a most creative and well-thought out manner.

Drawing inspiration from the bad science-fiction movies that the male enjoys so much, I decided upon a Total Tokyo Takedown.

Think Godzilla meets Cookie Monster.......

We waited until New Year's Eve. As is their custom, the two leggers always go out to dinner with friends on New Year's Eve. They are generally gone for about two and a half hours which is coincidentally the same duration of the average Japanese disaster movie.

As soon as their car was out of sight, Jaqthra launched her attack by leaping from the top of the fridge thingy. Her aerial attack entirely flattened one house, took out two licorice stick street lamps and knocked the town hall off its foundation.

Tigura Lily assaulted the train station, completely leveling it and then proceeded to gnaw the head off of the mayor.

Ivangaru swept through the streets with paws swinging and jaws snapping. Nothing could withstand his wrath as he trundled down the streets leaving nothing but sad little gingerbits in his wake. Although the entire village occupied a space of roughly three square feet, Ivan got lost several times and had to stop for directions.

Finally, Cujzilla arrived to finish off the edible edifices. In a flurry of flying frosting, I laid waste to the remainder of the baked burg. A few surviving gingerbread men attempted to rally a resistance at the edge of town. They made a sad sight, several were missing limbs, one had a cinnamon stick crutch and all were disfigured in some manner and bandaged with white frosting. My smacking paw made quick work of the half-baked resistance.

By the time the two leggers return from their dinner, the gingerbread town will be but a distant memory. Even as I write this, we are busily cleaning the crumbs and icing from our fur.

I realize that we will most likely be chastised upon their return. The water squirty thingy will probably be used liberally.

That's okay. While they were gone, I replaced the water with milk.

Nothing goes better with gingerbread than a big drink of milk.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe New Year.

I've got big plans for 2014..........MWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!

Monday, December 23, 2013

Yule Be Sorry

I have written a Christmas carol thingy.

As you all know, my poetic skills have often been labeled as "questionable", "irresponsible" and even "dangerously disturbing".

In fact, my poetry has been banned in all fifty states....and Arkansas.

However, since it is the Christmas season, I have decided the heck with it, I'm gonna do it anyway.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Ivan the Red-Furred Dimwit

Ivan the red-furred dimwit,
Had a very tiny brain.
And if you ever met him,
You would probably go insane.

All of the other felines,
Used to laugh and call him "dork".
They always said that Ivan,
Smelled a little bit like pork.
Then one rainy Christmas Day,
Cujo came to say:
"Even though your brain's so small,
I'll give you my Christmas tree to maul"

Then how the felines loved him!
As they saw him take the blame.
Ivan the red-furred dimwit,
The tree will never be the same!

That was so fun, I believe I'll try another:

Oh Whiney Night
Oh whiney night,
The gray one's gonna get it.
I'll smack her down,
And then I will nap.

Oh whiney night,
She never stops her whining.
Sometime she must sleep,
And then I'll make my move.

Pounce on her now!
And greet the new found silence!
Oh paw-aw divine!!
Strike her down and victory is mine!

Okay, if you insist, one more:

O' Little Catnip Mousie Thingy
O' little catnip mousie thingy,
How still I see thee lie.
Beneath the chair,
And covered with hair,
I've decided that you must die.

O' little catnip mousie thingy,
You Know you amuse me so.
I bat, you fly
And then you die.
Until under the fridge, you go.

But in the hallway lurketh,
A most disturbing sight.
The two legger
Without his fur
Is sleepwalking tonight.
Jaq has now been singing these carol thingies for the last 17 hours straight. 

The two leggers have since made up their own Christmas carol thingy.

It is called "Shut the Heck Up Cats! We Gotta Work Tomorrow!"

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a blessed New Year!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Lumber Jaq

Around 300 years ago, Sir Isaac Newton figured out the whole Law of Gravity Thingy.

Around 30 years ago, a group of Canadian scientists and part-time musicians named "The Guess Who" confirmed Newton's theory when they said "What goes up, must come down". Being Canadian, they spent the rest of their lives trying to apply Newton's findings to the sport of hockey.

I have been pondering gravity over the past several days.

Why? Because the Christmas tree thingy has gone up.

In keeping with the spirit of Sir Isaac Newton  and The Guess Who, it must now come down.

It's the law.

I didn't write it....... but I intend to enforce it.

Last Sunday, the female two legger sent the male out to the shed to retrieve a bunch of large boxes that only come out in the month of December. As I anticipated, the largest box contained the disassembled parts of a large plastic tree thingy.

And thus it begins.

Every year the two leggers engage in the same bit of folly. They spend several hours assembling and decorating the most incredibly stimulating cat toy/scratching post on Earth, and then they admonish all local felines to refrain from attacking it. There are three basic flaws in their logic:

1. It is a tree. Cats like climbing in trees.
2. They think the tree is pretty. Cats like destroying anything the two leggers consider pretty.
3. They told us not to touch it. Cats like touching anything they are told not to touch.

It's the same old song and dance. We watch intently while they trim the tree thingy. Once completed, the female turns to me and says "Don't even think about it, Cujo". This year she even waggled a finger at me. The "Wagglin O' The Finger" is a two legger ritual intended to fend off evil spirits and mischievous felines. Like most two legger rituals, it doesn't work. It usually amuses the evil spirits and bores the felines.

The first night after they put up the tree thingy, the two leggers slept very lightly with water squirty thingies close at hand. We were aware of their vigilance and decided to postpone our plans until they had let down their guard. They were incredulous when they awoke the next morning to find the tree thingy fully intact and all ornaments whole and accounted for.

The second night came and went without incident as well. Their anxiety began to wane.

I knew the third night would be the optimal time for us to strike. If we let it go another night, their suspicions would be aroused and all would be for naught. Tonight would be the happy medium between waning suspicion and reluctant relaxation.

After the two leggers retired to their bedroom, we waited for several hours until we were positive that they were deep in the throes of slumber. We could hear the low rumble of the male's snoring and the deep soft sighs of the female. Giving the all clear, I told Tiger Lily to go first. As usual, her clawless attempts at destruction were pathetic. She only succeeded in mussing the tree skirt and knocking one low priority plastic ornament down.

Ivan wanted to go next and met with much more success. With a low-pitched "ROWR", Ivan disappeared beneath the lowest boughs and in a few short seconds, suddenly reappeared up near the very top of the tree.  He then began batting at any and all ornaments within reach. After slaying no fewer than eight ornaments, he once again vanished. Several seconds passed with no sign of activity. I slowly became aware of a strange odor and small wisps of smoke coming from the middle branches. This was a sure sign that Ivan hadn't learned his lesson from the previous six years and was once again chewing on the light cords.

Up until this time, Jaq had remained in one of the large ornament boxes, softly singing Christmas carols to herself. However, unbeknownst to me, she had stealthily climbed the half wall next to the tree. With a deafening yell of "TIMBERRRR!!!!" She leapt from the wall straight into the very top branches of the tree. With the tree already top heavy from Ivan's added bulk, Jaq's flying feline frenzy caused the tree to topple and fall against the dining table. Over 20 ornaments were killed instantly. At least 11 more were humanely euthanized.

Amazingly, this was the first time in six years that I personally had little or no part in the annual demise of the Christmas tree thingy.

However, I am not worried.

When the two leggers awaken and see the carnage, I'm sure I'll still get the credit.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

The Clawedfather

Most of you are aware that my male two legger enjoys nothing more than watching really poorly made science fiction movies. I have mocked him at length on FaceBook and in my fan club.

What you may not be aware of, is that he is also a huge fan of "The Godfather Saga". Unlike bad science fiction, he does not watch "The Godfather" movies to mock them, he watches them because he believes them to be perhaps the best examples of American cinema ever produced.

Once or twice a year, something snaps in his head thingy and he decides that it is time for "Godfather Weekend".

A "Godfather Weekend" involves the female cooking up a large pot of spaghetti, the consumption of several bottles of red wine, watching all three "Godfather" movies back-to-back, and the male incessantly speaking in what he believes is an authentic Sicilian accent, but actually sounds more like a drunken Irish sailor who is trying to speak German after watching a French movie that is subtitled in Japanese.

During previous Godfather weekends, I have taken the opportunity to catch up on some sleep and left orders with Ivan to wake me when it was over.

However this time I decided in the spirit of intellectual curiosity, that I would watch these movies and perhaps discover the reason for the male's fascination with them.

Well, perhaps "intellectual curiosity" is too strong a term. Actually, it was really just a cold weekend and the firebox thingy was blazing in the same room that the two leggers were watching the movies. So I decided to observe.

I must admit that I am impressed.

The story revolves around a family of two leggers that build a criminal empire by using extortion, coercion, larceny, smuggling, assault, murder and many other illegal activities. Not only that, they convince other minion types to perform these illegal acts for them, thereby keeping their paws clean and not open to prosecution.

I respect that.

In fact, I respect it so much, I have decided to restructure my Kingdom to emulate Don Corleone's example.

From now on, I will be known as Don Cujo Felini.

Today, I sent my consigliere, Ivan the Chomp, to make the two leggers an offer they can't refuse. He told them, and I quote: "The Boss wants tuna tonight. You don't give him tuna, and mebbe your lamp don't feel so good in the morning. Capiche?" He also hacked up a hairball in the female's boot just to let them know that I'm serious.

Don Vito has taught me much. He says at one point: "Keep your friends close, your enemies even closer." Taking his advice to heart, I sent Jaq the Canary to offer a peace treaty thingy to Don Nutmuncher of the Squirrel Cartel. I have offered him Tiger Lily's head as a sign of my sincerity. They have yet to respond to my offer, but I have it on good authority that they hate whining even more than I, so I am optimistic. Once we are "friends", I will invite them into my home in the spirit of fellowship and cooperation. Perhaps once we pool our resources, my brains and muscle and their marvelously agile little hands, we can accomplish great things together.

Nah, who am I kidding?

I'm gonna whack them.