The Eyes of the Tiger Lily

Today my thoughts turned to romance. I know what some of you are thinking: HUH??? Bear with me.
I have observed that in spite of my best efforts, my two leggers seem happy all the time. After close examination, i realize they are happiest when they are together. I can only attribute this to the fact that they are well and truly mated. Gross huh? Anyway, I have decided that perhaps this is something i should attempt.
Now I should start out by admitting that when i was just a kitten, my two leggers had me "fixed" though i was unaware of even being broken. Granted this removed the ability to mate, it did not however remove the determination. I do not believe that hairballs make the cat.
Back to my experiment. Obviously my options are somewhat limited. There's Ivan, but let's not go there. Then there's Tiger Lily. I decided to try to see beyond her whining and irritating habit of running away when i smack her.
Tiger Lily is actually quite attractive in a boring monochromatic way. She is a tabby that is colored in 56 different shades of gray. A bit on the pudgy side, and she has a terminally disdainful expression on her over-sized face. However, when I look at her eyes, it is like looking at a primeval forest shrouded in a dense fog. I occasionally find myself wanting to walk in that forest and explore the depths of her soul.
So, my decision made, I had Ivan groom me and set out to win her heart. I approached her with my tail standing as straight as an evergreen. I offered my catnip mousie thingie as a peace offering. I purred softly while licking behind her ears. Finally, the moment had come, I looked deep into those wondrous eyes, held my breath............


and smacked her. It was amusing.