Sunday, March 6, 2016

Adult Stuporvision (Continued)

Day Two of the male's week-long adventure in geographic bachelorhood.

With the female off visiting the Grandtwins, the male, not used to sleeping alone, decided to leave the bedroom door open overnight thus allowing us feline types to come and go as we please. While this allowed unprecedented opportunities for chaos, I made a command decision to not take advantage of this potentially perfect storm of circumstances to cause hate and discontent............yet.

Knowing that the female would be away for the next six days, I chose not to squander my chances for maximum mayhem by blowing it all in a single night. A solitary evening of madness would most likely result in the male deciding that on reinstating the locked-door policy for the remainder of the female's absence. It would also prevent me from pawing his mustache every morning exactly 37 minutes before his alarm was set to wake him.

This would not do.

So, at least for the first few nights, I concluded that restricting our deeds of destruction to "normal" hours was the best course of action. That being said, There was still much fun to be had.........

Consider "Operation: Bait and Twitch". This particular mission proved both amusing and beneficial.

It began when the male decided to make a tuna salad sandwich. 

The male two legger accepts the fact that the preparation of any meal containing tuna fish will attract the attention of any cat within a 36 mile radius of the location of the kitchen. This tends to place the two legger on "high alert" and he will therefore guard his meal like Rosie O'Donnell protecting the last Twinkie on Earth. Generally, we will go through the motions of trying to steal a bite or two, knowing full well that our efforts will likely be in vain, but this night, I was determined.

As he sat in the bedroom, slowly munching his delectable edible, contentedly watching yet another silly program on the talking box thingy, I sent Jaq out into the hallway to begin the "Bait" stage of my plan. Just as she reached the carpet that marks the entry to the livingroom, Jaq began making her patented "omigodiatetoomuchfuragainandnowigottaputitonthecarpet" sound. The sound Jaq makes when she has a hairball defies description. The closest comparison I can make is the sound that would be made if Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber and Luciano Pavarotti collaborated to rap an Aerosmith song in Portuguese.

This triggered an ancient instinct in the two legger that caused him to bolt down the hallway yelling "NONONONONONONONONOOOO!!!!"

His sudden departure left a void next to his tuna salad sandwich that was instantly filled with Ivan and myself. After a quick and decisive slapping match, we decided that I would eat the portion on the plate and Ivan could consume the morsel that had ended up on the floor as a direct result of our little smackfest. 

By the time the two legger returned, all evidence had been eradicated and the plate was duly cleansed. His reaction was neither unexpected nor particularly original. Rather than showing gratitude for us having thoroughly washed his plate and floor, he said something about "damcats" and then proceeded to cast aspersions upon my character.

I would have been offended, but I had already dropped off into a tuna-induced slumber. 

It seems that there is a new policy in effect. We are now banished to other rooms whenever the male is feeding.

Given his newfound vigilance where we were concerned, our next bit of maniacal madness needed to be well-thought out and planned to the nth detail.

Other than small nuisances and general feline friskiness, we laid low for the next few days. We needed him relaxed and confidant that we had "learned our lesson".

This also gave me time to plot.

The night before he was due to pick up his mate from the airport, the male spent the evening scrubbing, vacuuming and dusting my entire Kingdom. We supervised of course, but did little to hinder his activities. We allowed him to sleep soundly (until exactly 37 minutes before his alarm clock was set to wake him).  He awoke rested and happy owing to the fact that he would soon be reunited with his mate. After a thorough final inspection, he departed safe in the knowledge that his bride would be returning to a spotless household.

Yeah, right.

Upon his departure, we set to work.
Ivan harvested the dust bunny crop that he'd been carefully tending under the entertainment center for the last five months. He spread it across the livingroom floor in a manner that displayed both the vast yield and variety of his labors. Seeing his collection decorating couch, easy chair and coffee table, I must confess that I have underestimated Ivan's artistic prowess.

Inspired by Southwest Native American art, Tiger Lily took advantage of the spotless litterboxes and created several "sand drawings" outside of each litterbox.

Having an eye for photography, Jaq "re-arranged" all the picture frames on hallway shelves and the end tables. Obviously her sense of arrangement dictated that some looked better face down, while others were better displayed on the floor.

Finally, I decided that since so much of our handiwork was being displayed on the floor, perhaps it would benefit from more light. This was easily remedied by the knocking a couple of lamps down.

Several hours later, the two leggers returned. As they approached the door, I heard the male say: "I worked all night to bring the house up to your standards of cleanliness........SURPRISE!"   

I fear she was not amused.


  1. A monstrously perfect piece of literature ComMonster Cujo and company!
    This is quite illuminating (among other priceless morsels of prose): "pawing his mustache every morning exactly 37 minutes before his alarm was set to wake him."
    Catastrophic! (and brilliant)

  2. Your teamwork inspires us to work together more to make life at our house more amusing. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

  3. I totally agree that your work inspires a lot. I hope you'll make everything really cool!