Thursday, December 3, 2015

Scar Wars

I have noticed that there seems to be a lot of buzz about some movie thingy called "Star Wars". Apparently the newest segment in the series is about be released and everywhere I look online is someone going nuts with anticipation.

Since my two leggers are fans of Science-Fiction, I am often needlessly exposed to such nonsense. Though they prefer "Star Trek" to "Star Wars", they have been known to indulge in both franchises. In fact, in anticipation of the premier of the new movie, they have been watching the earlier chapters of the ongoing saga.

Now I am fully aware that 99.938% of the entire human population is familiar with the story line of Star Wars (the only two leggers who don't know of it belong to a small, recently discovered tribe of denim-wearing, semi-toothed, thicket-dwelling moonshine swillers in southwestern Arkansas), but I will now summarize the story for you.

Star Wars is basically the tragic story of a brave and heroic two legger who strives to unite the Universe, but in the end is thwarted by his son Luke Skywalker and several other poorly dressed meddlers and do-gooders who do not appreciate his efforts.

While I find the fact that they killed off our hero, Darth Vader, quite depressing and anti-climatic, I have to say that the series does have some redeeming qualities. The overgrown Roomba, R2D2 provides comic relief and I am deeply moved by the great philosopher Jar-Jar Binx. Also, in each movie there is much fussing and fighting which never fails to amuse me.

However, there is one aspect to the series that truly fascinates me.........The Force.

The theory is that The Force is an underlying energy in the universe thingy that if tapped, allows the tapper to move stuff, break things and manipulate small-minded people to do their bidding.


According to the narrative, there are two different sides of The Force: The Dark Side and the Light Side.

If one masters the Dark Side, one must dress in black, speak in a deep baritone voice, snicker on occasion and always exit a room (even a bathroom) in a most dramatic fashion. Also, when joining the Dark Side, all SpongeBob Squarepants DVDs are required to be surrendered

If one embraces the Light Side, one must dress all in white (not a flattering color if you live on a planet with two suns), wear elastic bandages on one's legs instead of boots, whine a lot and always act surprised when someone from The Dark Side attacks.

Anyway, I have decided that perhaps I could use The Force thingy for my own purposes. I mean, how hard can it be? You simply stare at your target, concentrate on what you want to happen, squint a bit, and stuff happens, right?

I figured I'd test my new powers on Tiger Lily first. I found her sitting on the back of the couch. She was, of course, in "my spot" (all spots belong to me, but that is irrelevant). I decided that I would use The Force to make her move. I jumped up in front of her and before I could even squint, she jumped up with a harsh whine and fled to the computer room.

It seems that The Force is strong in me.

Perhaps Jaq may prove a more worthy test. I found her sleeping in an empty beer case. I softly crept up to her nap nook. I concentrated on making her vacate the box........I squinted aggressively........I spoke softly in a deep baritone voice.........I breathed roughly..............I smacked the box.

Success!! She sprung from the box and ran from the room.

It was about this time that Ivan came lumbering into the kitchen. I considered using The Force to make him hungry, but quickly remembered that Ivan is ALWAYS hungry and therefore not worthy of the attempt. Instead, I decided to plant in his mind a suggestion of the Christmas tree infested with mouse thingies. Once again, I concentrated....I squinted....I formed the idea and shot it across the kitchen hitting him square in the ear. The suggestion disappeared into his ear, rattled around a bit and then kinda oozed out of the other ear.

It seems that in order for a suggestion to take seed, it has to have something to adhere to. Obviously, the ground within Ivan's mind is infertile.

Oh well, I shall continue to hone my Jedi skills.

In the meantime, I leave you with the Jedi motto: "Live long and use The Force in a prosperous manner".  

1 comment:

  1. The Force is strong in you ComMonster Cujo!
    I am still chuckling about the " tribe of denim-wearing, semi-toothed, thicket-dwelling moonshine swillers in southwestern Arkansas"
    :) LOLOL!!