Sunday, October 18, 2015

A Cutting Plan

Two leggers have a custom that I find extremely odd. Well, truth be told, I find most two legger customs odd. However, some are odder than others.

The custom I speak of today occurs every year in late October.

Although it is related to Halloween, I am not speaking of the holiday itself. I actually enjoy Halloween. Who doesn't enjoy dressing up in scary costumes and scaring the bejeezus out of pre-adolescent candy beggars?

No, I am referring to the strange custom of purchasing and then carving pumpkins. Seemingly calm and serene pacifistic two leggers such as mine suddenly turn into knife-wielding veggie-hating, psychopathic gourd butchers. They slice open the top of the pumpkin, eviscerate it and then carve ghoulish visages into the remaining shell.

The fact that the male two legger engages in such a practice does not particularly surprise me. He detests all vegetables and I am sure he derives great pleasure in murdering and then debauching the corpse of the pumpkin, all with the full approval of the female. However, the female, though a true veggie lover, also seems to enjoy this annual gourdacidal mania. In fact, she is quite adept at this butchery and her carving could even be called artistic.

Curious, last night I decided to research this custom.....

It seems that the tradition began in Ireland many millions of years ago. The pumpkins (and often turnips) were carved into scary forms, placed in windows or on porches and lit from within with a candle stub in order to frighten away evil spirits, fairy folk and door-to-door encyclopedia salesmen. It wasn't so much that the pumpkins themselves scared the intended victim, it was more a way of warning them that the inhabitants were deeply unstable. In effect it was public display stating "You are not welcome. I know how to use a knife. If I can do such damage to innocent plant life, just think what I am capable of doing to someone who tries to sell me an encyclopedia".

Having learned the story of the Jack-O-Lantern, I have decided that I may have judged the two leggers unfairly. In fact, I have decided that I too shall carve a pumpkin this year. Perhaps it may have the same affect on the squirrel thingy as it does on evil spirits, fairy folk and encyclopedia salesmen.

I don't even need to borrow a knife. I have twenty knives literally at the tips of my paws.

I also have two fresh pumpkins that the two leggers brought home last night...............

As I began to carve, Ivan came wandering into the kitchen. "Watcha doin Boss?" he asked.

"Making a Jack-O-Lantern" I replied.

"I wanna make a jackolanter, Boss"

 Normally, I would keep all the fun for myself, but given his propensity for destruction and the fact that there were two pumpkins, I figured I'd be generous. I gave him the other pumpkin and told him to knock himself out.

I realized that my phrasing was unfortunate when he immediately launched himself at the fridge thingy and literally "knocked himself out". After he regained consciousness, I instructed him to carve the pumpkin. I explained that he was to carve a scary face into the side of the pumpkin.

" Really scary?" he asked.

"The scariest you can imagine."

"Okay Boss".

And so with Jaq serenading us from the dining room with "The Monster Mash", we commenced to carving.  

Several hours later, we finished. I stood back and admired my work. I was so proud of it that I decided to take a picture. I even added Beebo, my catnip mousie thingy for added scariness.

I then checked on Ivan........

He had asked me not to peek until he was finished. He felt that the scariness of his creation might scare me so bad that I'd make him stop.

After seeing his creation, I completely understand. He had amazingly grasped the spirit of the Jack-O-Lantern. He had created something that would surely strike fear into the hearts of evil spirits, the fairy folk and encyclopedia salesmen...........


  1. Oh Ivan! You have carved yourself! Great job Ivan!!
    (LOLOL @ gourdacidal mania!!!) :D Great Blog Thingy ComMonster Cujo! (thumbs up thingy!)

  2. Cute pumpkin :) You wonder about humans and pumpkins- we wonder about cats and mice :)

  3. Dat's very cute and da punkins be cute too.

    Lluv ya'

    Dezi and Lexi