Thursday, March 26, 2015

Feline Reflux

I have observed that the vast majority of two leggers seem to prefer an orderly, structured existence. They enjoy setting rules and boundaries. They expect all those around them to observe and and obey them.

Laughably, even those who live in households containing cats still seem to live in the false belief that their rules will be followed to the letter.

My two leggers are no exception. Though they have long despaired of the hope that they can enforce order and discipline among us, they still occasionally attempt to "put their foot down" and expect us to accede to their wishes.

I find this highly amusing.

The one rule in my Kingdom that they absolutely insist on enforcing is the "No Felines In The Bedroom After Bedtime Rule". 

The NFITBABR states:
            "All cats, creatures resembling cats, animals with cat-like habits, critters who display feline proclivities or organisms that may or may not have furred sympathies must be vacated from all sleeping spaces before any slumbering activities may commence.
           "Such 'slumbering activities' include: Nightly sleeping, napping, meditation, hypnotic states and general chilling out.
           "Any feline found in violation of this rule must be hunted down and removed from the sleeping chamber with extreme prejudice.
           "Felines found to be repeat offenders of this ordinance will not only be removed with extreme prejudice, they will also be repeatedly subjected to the admonishment: 'Bad Kitty!!'"

.  Now, just for the record, I must state that I recognize no authority in my Kingdom save my own. Everyone knows that. However, I have found through experience that sometimes allowing the two leggers a little latitude can be quite entertaining.

Anyone can make a rule. Enforcing a rule is another matter entirely.....

Every night as the two leggers are preparing to retire, we commence our campaign of chaos.

The male two legger initiates the process by yelling "Attention all kitty cats! Now is the hour of your discontent! You must vacate the bedroom immediately! No more fighting, biting or inciting! You must dispatch without a scratch! Muster to the couch post haste! Kitty roll call will begin in thirty seconds! Now move!"

This is generally met with total indifference, although a few weeks ago, Ivan actually rolled over and yawned.

Upon the realization that he is once again being aggressively ignored, the male then proceeds to clap his hands. 

We accept this applause graciously. 

Growing rather scarlet in the face thingy, the male begins a physical assault by grabbing Tiger Lily and bodily removing her from the room. As he turns to reach for Jaq, Tiger Lily slips behind him and  into the shadows beyond the dresser. Having successfully placed Jaq in the hallway, he makes an unnecessary dive for Ivan. I say the dive is unnecessary due to the fact that Ivan hasn't moved in 14 hours (he is seldom considered a "flight risk"). As he dives, Jaq silently slinks back under the bed where she quietly hums "Band On The Run" by Paul McCartney. He then deposits Ivan just beyond the threshold of the bedroom door. While he is building his courage to approach me, Ivan stealthily jumps atop the dresser where he performs an amazingly accurate imitation of a lamp. He has been working on this impression for several weeks and apart from the smell of singed fur whenever he plugs himself in, one would never know it was him.

I refuse to be handled in such a manner, so when he reaches for me, I saunter in a regal manner through the door and into the hallway. 

The door closes and the bedroom light goes out.
And then I wait.......

Usually within four or five minutes, I hear movement beyond the door and I see that the two leggers have turned their light back on. Soon the door flies open and a great whining fills the air. The other thing filling the air is a large gray tabby as she flies through the doorway. 

The light goes off.

The light comes back on. Jaq is soon e-jaqted. 

The light goes off.

Just beyond the door, I can hear Ivan trying to stifle a giggle. I hear a "" as the male two legger attempts to turn on the lamp, but no light appears.

 I smell singed fur.

Ivan is tossed through the doorway and the door slams shut behind him.

While it has been a most amusing night, I feel that perhaps some change is in order.

Ivan should work on being a vase.


  1. LOL! Jaq singing "Band on the Run" and she is trying to be quiet by softly humming!!! Plus, I am sure Ivan wears that lamp well. This is SO funny!! I can totally see the scene.
    You did throw me off ComMonster Cujo for I fully expected you to still be in the 2 legger's bedroom. *wink*

  2. What fun for you kitties...for the beans, maybe not so much. What inquiring minds want to know though is...are they successful in keeping you or your sibs from doing the kitty knock on the door all night?

    1. No, but they are heavily invested in ear plugs ;)

  3. Your two-leggers are beyond insane. Why NOT sleep with cats?

    It's an atrocity.

  4. Great post, wonderful blog. :)

  5. MOUSES! Stuff like that happens in our house when the peeps wanna keep us out of the livin' room but never the bedroom. In fact, peeps are lucky we're willin' to share OUR beds with them.


  6. LOL rofl, I found this hilariously funny. Fortunately for me, the boss cats sleeps in my room and his minions KNOW this, Fits will not allow another cat into the room. However, I can say meal time is a racket here LOL. One Peep, ME and all the cats. Now if they would just let me be, they would all be fed quite quickly but as they insist on helping me, it takes me twice as long with a lot of GET DOWN, Move aside, that is not yours and some other words. This happens EVERY meal time. You would think that Fit's family of cats would get the picture but alas is not to be done.