Friday, September 12, 2014

Physically Unfit

Scientist thingies have announced that they have discovered the "God Particle".

Also called the "Higgs boson", they say that it is the key to the whole big universe thingy. Given the fact that I am the Grand Poobah and Supreme Dictator of All Universes (known and unknown), I felt I should know more about this theory and those who thunk it up.

After studying this theory between naps over the last 45 minutes, I have drawn my own conclusions and developed my own theory:

There should be mandatory drug tests administered to all physicists.

Allow me to elaborate.

While the physicists have been studying the universe and stuff, I have been studying them.

It seems that in their quest to explain everything, they have become extremely adept at explaining nothing. Oh sure, they got the whole gravity thing right. Stuff drops. But how hard was that? I prove that on a nightly basis. Occasionally however, stuff happens that they simply cannot explain. Whenever this occurs, most folks would simply throw up their paws and say "Huh, I didn't see that coming. I dunno what happened there" and then go have a beer or something. A physicist on the other paw, would rather enter a lion cage in a suit made of meat and catnip than say those three awful words "I don't know".

So instead subjecting themselves to the ridicule and mocking of their colleagues by admitting that some things just happen, they invent a whole new particle, wave or element that is always invisible, untouchable and unmeasurable.

Now don't get me wrong, I understand that the mocking and ridicule of physicists can be quite extreme. If you think bullies in high school were vicious, try facing down a gang of college professors with malice in their pocket protectors and chemicals at their disposal. Imagine waking one morning and finding that the thesis you worked so hard on for the last two years has been vandalized with the words "Dr.______ is big doo doo head" written across the cover page in purple crayon.

So, back to my rant. In my opinion, in an effort to avoid such dire consequences, they simply invent a particle of the week and use such big words and convoluted mish-mashery that the rest of us assume that they must be really smart and that it would be the height of folly to question them.

By now you may be thinking that I dislike and have no respect for physicists. I assure you that quite the contrary is true.

In fact, I seek to emulate them.

I shall use their methods to my advantage.

But not to convince everyone that I know everything (they already know that), I shall use them to avoid accepting responsibility for my actions.

From now on, when a knock knack meets its end in the wee hours of the night, I will blame the "Cujon Wave". It is an invisible force that strikes in the night without warning and leaves only destruction in its path.

The smell that is so horrible that it makes artificial flowers wilt is now dubbed the "Ivanian Plasma Field". It is a colorless gas that dissipates all too slowly, leaving no film and is virtually undetectable by modern sensors after the cloud evaporates.

A high-pitched sound that begins as a soft hum and crescendos into an ear-splitting bit of sonic torture that can shatter glass and piss off any sentient being within a 7.41 mile radius will be forever known as "Tigerphonics".

When every bit of upholstery in the house (especially the right side of the couch and the back of the reclining chair) is suddenly found to be ripped to shreds overnight, this is caused by "a Jaquonian Tear in the space time continuum thingy"

From this point forward, the two leggers will have to bow to the fact that I and my fellow felines are not to blame for their problems.

After all, science doesn't lie.


  1. I am truly in the presence of greatness!! You ROCK ComMonster Cujo!
    P.S. The Cujon Wave, the Ivian Plasma Field, the Tigerphonics, and the Jaquonian Tear shall be officially part of my vocabulary!
    In addition, I expect updates from these feline scientists!!

  2. mish-mashery. Truly a GENIUS turn of phrase.

  3. Perhaps it should be renamed the "Cujo Particle."

  4. Is Lady Gaga a physicist?

    Cujo, this was one of your best posts EVER which is sayin' a lot 'cause your posts are always amazin'.

    I totally agree with you 'bout the peep physicists. Kitty physicists though... TOTALLY different story. Kitty physicists are the best.


    1. Thank you Nissy!
      Kitty physicists........I shall ponder this ;)