Thursday, May 8, 2014

The Great Pacific Norsewest

There is great upheaval within my Kingdom.

A wailing, moaning and gnashing of teeth. Unprecedented strife and angst.

In a bold and foolhardy fit of defiance, the female two legger has relocated my throne from its rightful place in front of the firebox thingy to the cold, dark recesses of the computer room. She did this without my permission and with absolutely no consideration of my comfort or well-being.

How on Earth can she expect the Royal Hindquarters be properly maintained at their required 117.6 degrees if there is no available platform on which to rest the Imperial Buttocks?

When I informed her of her misstep, her response was brief and incredibly insubordinate. I believe her exact words were: "Suck it up Oreo-Boy!"

To say that I was taken aback is understatement in the extreme. Some will say that I should have smacked her immediately, however, I believe that like a good hairball, revenge is a dish best served cold (and if possible, in an area that is prone to nocturnal foot traffic).

For a transgression as major as this, I decided that I should ponder my revenge for maximum affect. A passing smack or ankle chomp simply would not do. No, she had crossed a line and the punishment must suit her crime. 

And so I pondered.......and mused.......and pondered........and napped......and pondered.

Whilst I pondered, I spent much of my time reading while perched atop the male two legger's shoulder. He is an avid reader as well as an enthusiast when it comes to anything pertaining to history. Currently he is reading a series of book thingies (and watching a television program) that provide a narrative of a group of ancient two leggers known as "Vikings".

The name "viking" is actually a misnomer perpetrated by Hollywood. "Viking" is actually a verb meaning "to raid". As in "Honey, I'm going out viking. I'll be home by six. You want me to pick up anything?"

They were actually correctly known as "Norsemen, Danes or Bikers". However, for this narrative, I will use the term "Norsemen".

During the Middle Ages, the Norsemen decided that they were fed up with living in the frigid wilds of Northern Europe, so they built ships and set off for the sunny tropical shores of England. Once they landed in Britain, they realized that their travel agents had made fools of them and so they set out for revenge. They sailed around the British Isles, searching for England's Lost Tribe of Travel Agents. In English mythology, the legendary Lost Tribe of Travel Agents was credited with perpetrating the lies that England was the land of sunny beaches, beautiful, exotic women and above average dental care.

During their quest, the Norsemen robbed, pillaged and burned every village or settlement they encountered. Soon, just the sight of Norse ships approaching the shore would cause entire villages to pack all their things and run for the hills. Their ruthlessness spread fear and terror throughout Western Europe.

I respect that.

Ivan and I will go "viking".

I changed my name to Cujorvic Cujorvicsson. I ordered Ivan Ivansson to prepare to pillage. He wanted a costume, I told him that his costume should strike fear into the hearts of the two leggers, showed him some pictures of Norsemen and left him to his own devices. He immediately ran to the bathroom to get dressed. He soon emerged in all his "viking glory".

 Unfortunately, his costume was not quite as intimidating as I would have wished. Unable to find a either a furred cloak or helmet with horns, Ivan wrapped an old, dirty washcloth around his shoulders and stuck cotton swabs in his ears. Though I knew his costume would intimidate no one, I figured it would confuse everyone, so I told him he looked great.

I decided that 2:38 AM would be the perfect time for us to make our raid.

At 2:37, Jaq Jaqsondottir began singing Wagner's "Flight of The Valkyries" at the top of her lungs. Ivan Ivansson and I burst into the two leggers bedroom and bounded onto their bed while yelling the Norse battle cry of "URPITY DURPITY DUR DUR DURGY BURGY DURG!!!!"

As far as I know, this was the first time that the two leggers had ever been attacked by wild Norsemen in their own bedroom, therefore their reaction was somewhat unpredictable.

In a billowing of sheets, the two leggers jumped straight up. Given the fact that they always sleep with the ceiling fan turned on, the sheet literally hit the fan. Ivan Ivansson lost focus and began chasing the sheet as it whirled about the room and finally got so dizzy that he slammed into a dresser rendering himself a casualty of war. Meanwhile, the two leggers had regained their senses and reaching for their bedside water squirty thingies, began spraying anything and everything that resembled a small tuxedo cat.

Though my vengeance was sweet, it was short-lived.

The female has moved my throne once again. It is no longer in the computer room. It is now in the hall closet.

Back to the drawing board.

Perhaps an attack by pirates will work.


  1. Pray tell, Cujorvic Cujorvicsson, while you, Ivan Ivansson, and Jaq Jaqsondottir (LOL) were wreaking havoc in the 2 leggers bedroom, where was Lady Whinevere?

  2. She was standing guard at the ship.

    1. Well now, that makes sense!! :D BTW, your math is outstanding here ComMonster Sir!! *Salute*

  3. Suck it up, Oreo-boy? MOUSES!

    May the purrs be with you in you vikingly duties.


  4. whatever did you do to deserve being sent to the closet??? Yes, pirates might work. they good at pouncing from closets... at least thats what I hear.

    -Lil Bear