Complete Constitutional Chaos Created by Cujo Cat

As Universal Dictator of All Universe Thingies (known and unknown), Benevolent Dictator, Grand Poobah and Potentate of The World, etc....... I find that occasionally I must offer direction and advice to the governments of the countries that ultimately serve me.

****DISCLAIMER THINGY****

This advice should in no way reflect upon any political party, administration (past or present) or be construed as an indictment upon any individuals who are serving or may have served in any political office.........unless they need a good smack or may have needed a good smack in the past, present or future. 

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Okay, back to business. The primary problem with governments run by two leggers is the fact that they are governments run by two leggers. 

When one strips the veneer from their surface, two leggers are all basically alike. They are driven by the similar motivations, they have similar survival instincts and they make similar decisions based on these instincts. I am not condemning them for these similarities, I am simply stating that they are not diverse enough to govern themselves.

Therefore, I propose a few changes.....

The Executive Branch will of course, be run by cats. As we are the most intelligent and noble of all creatures, this is the obvious choice. The President would be chosen by his/her intelligence, honesty, integrity and ability to slay dust bunnies.

The Legislative Branch will consist entirely of goat thingies. They spend their lives butting their heads against each other, and other inanimate objects, and therefore the transition into their congressional roles should be simple. 

The Judicial Branch is a bit more complicated. It will consist of a wide variety of creatures. Cows, pigs, chickens, ducks, NASCAR fans and other barnyard animals will be tasked with the interpretation and judgement of the laws enacted by the other branches of government.

One of the biggest problems in the current judiciary system is the constant filing of frivolous lawsuits. Basically, anyone can sue anyone else for any reason they choose. This results in abuse of the system and gums up the works for those who truly have need of fair and just mediation. Therefore, under my administration, at the initiation of any lawsuit, the litigants shall be assigned an official Court Monkey. If at any time during the legal process the litigant shows any signs of frivolity, the Court Monkey will immediately begin pelting the offending litigant with copious amounts of its own poo. This practice will not only deter those prone to filing such ridiculous lawsuits, but it will also make them easier to recognize whenever they are met in public.

 A mandatory spay/neuter program will be instituted for any singer or performer who has a police record consisting of more than three misdemeanors or one felony. 

The IRS will be abolished and replaced by a gang of porcupines who will be less likely to stick it to everyone than the current IRS.

We will solve the energy crisis by developing technology that will harness the nervous energy of chihuahuas and teacup poodle dogs.

Large orange tabbies will serve as border security. We will blanket the border with heating pads causing the large orange tabbies to plop along the entire perimeter. As with the Court Monkeys. this serves as both a deterrent as well as marking the offenders. Anyone attempting to cross the border illegally will have their ankles severely chomped causing great pain and lower leg scarring.

Finally, as part of restoring the failing infrastructure of our transportation system, I will use squirrel thingies to re-pave the roads.

I figure it will only require about 300 per mile if we slice them thin.