Flea Bargain

Recently I have been annoyed by small-minded, blood-sucking, disease-ridden, morally ambiguous, pestilent little parasites.

However, I have always made it my policy not to talk about politicians on my blog thingy, so today I will talk about fleas instead.

Having spent my entire life indoors, I had never been exposed to the nasty little critters. However, a little while ago, a two legger whom my two leggers hired to install my security system introduced the pests to my Kingdom. I do not believe he did this purposefully, he probably fraternized with dog thingies and was thus infected. They obviously hitched a ride on his clothing and when he entered my domain, they viewed me and my four legged minions as the proverbial "Land of Plenty".

Here we were, four very healthy felines that had never been fed upon. To them we must have appeared to be an untouched banquet simply waiting for them to come and chow down upon.

Being so small, they were virtually undetectable. In fact, for quite some time, we remained unaware of their presence. They bided their time, quietly multiplying, only feeding while we slept. But they slowly grew bolder. The began biting us when we were awake.

Even then, we were unsure what was happening.

They started with Ivan. One day while he lay basking upon the heated floor in the bathroom, he suddenly jumped up and bolted from the room. I asked him the reason for his sudden burst of consciousness.

He said "Sumptin bited me!".

I told him it was probably just the bathroom spider.

"No way Boss!" he exclaimed, "I ate him yesterday!". 

"Maybe it was the bathroom spider's apprentice."

"Nope, I got da munchies last night and ate him too."

Having ruled out an unruly eight legger, I decided to conduct an investigation thingy. While investigating the scene of the crime (Ivan's plump posterior), I noticed a bunch of little black dots scurrying around and through Ivan's fur. They were too small to make out any detail, so I ordered Ivan to go stand next to the male two legger's make stuff big glass thingy. With the aid of what the two leggers call their "magnifier" (silly name, but shorter than "make stuff big glass thingy") I was able to see the black dots with greater clarity.  I even took the time to draw a picture of one of the invaders:

Granted, my drawing is rather crude, but you try drawing without thumbs.

I then went to the interwebs and searched for this mystery beastie. Apparently these creatures are called "fleas". According to Wikipedia, the Common American Flea-Bitus Suckius Jumpicus is a tiny little vampire that infests the residences of two leggers and feeds upon their cherished animals....and dogs. Once an infestation has occurred, they are extremely difficult to eradicate.

A trait shared with whiny gray tabbies.

I immediately inspected Jaq and Tiger Lily. They too were covered in the little vermin. 

It was at this point that I spotted one on the Royal Smacking Paw.

This was intolerable. Something had to be done. We tried scratching them off, we tried shaking them off, we even tried biting them off. But to no avail. The little monsters only danced away before we could capture them. I swear I even saw one of them make a lewd gesture while sticking its tiny tongue out at me.

I must admit that while my two leggers normally seem rather slow and dull-witted, occasionally they surprise me and show remarkable perception. They had already noticed the invasion and were taking steps to repel it. Though they are pacifists at heart, they are not averse to a little chemical warfare when the need arises. They had dropped by the pet store on their way home from work and bought a package of something called "Advantage II". I had no idea what "Advantage II" was at first. And I admit that when they suddenly broke open the little tube, grabbed me and then proceeded to squirt a liquid from the tube onto the back of my neck, I was wondering if they had suddenly gone insane, or suicidal or possibly trying a new death-defying, adrenaline junkie type of sport.

I spent the next three hours trying to choose the method I would employ in the death of my two leggers.

As I sat there pondering their demise, eagerly anticipating the look in their eyes when they would reach the realization that they had finally pushed me too far, I noticed several specks on the floor. I pushed the magnifier (still a stupid name) over one of the specks and beheld something totally unexpected.

A dead flea.

Looking around, I saw dead fleas everywhere. They were no longer jumping around. They had ceased scurrying. The only thing they were biting was the dust.

Over the next several days, the fleas continued to die off by the score. There were tiny little bodies scattered everywhere. Fleamageddon had arrived. By the end of the week, the surviving fleas fled and were flea-free.

Later, I snuck a peek at the packaging of the stuff the two leggers squirted us with. Apparently Advantage II is specifically formulated to kill fleas and their offspring. I must admit that it was truly effective.

So today I sent the manufacturers of Advantage II an email expressing my gratitude for the effectiveness of their product. However, I also recommended that they expand their product range.

I told them that I would gladly endure the squirt on my neck if they developed one that would eliminate the squirrel.