Thursday, August 5, 2010

D.O.G. (Dopey Over-enthusiastic Gasbags)

While relaxing in the 11 o'clock bay window sunbeam, I observed a four legger of the canine variety approaching my abode. The temerity of this 25 lb. slobber source left me aghast. Did he not realize that he was treading upon my sacred territory? I have never actually been outside, but if I can see it, it is legally my territory. Allow me to tell you about dogs.
Dogs have no apparent right to exist. They are dirty. They don't cover their own fecal matter. They are clumsy. They obey the two leggers. (sell outs) They have no dignity whatsoever. Worst of all, they are loyal. Any one of these offenses would disqualify one from ever being a card carrying cat.
Dogs come in almost every shape and size. From the huge lumbering ones that leave a path of destruction in their wake, to the little bitty bug-eyed ones that spend all day shaking like rat shaped mounds of jello.
And what's the deal with dogs and bones? Once we cats have killed something, we either eat it, put it in the shoes of the female two legger, or place it on their bed as a warning of our lethality. We do not take a piece of our victim, carry it around and gnaw on it at our leisure. There is a word for that: evidence.
When a dog owning two legger returns home, he is greeted at the door with a tail wagging, saliva flinging, barking ball of idiocy. This gives the two legger an over-inflated sense of worth.
We cats however totally ignore our two leggers unless there is food involved. We may look at them when they enter, but if they are expecting a greeting, they shoulda bought a dog.
Finally let me make one last observation:
A female cat with babies is called a "Queen". Guess what they call a female dog with babies. I rest my case.
Well, lucky for him, the dog has now left my jurisdiction. If he only knew how close he came to feeling my wrath. Guess i'll have to go find Tiger Lily.

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