Mimi, a four legger related to me by two legger marriage, (her two legger married the offspring of my two leggers) wrote to me with a dilemma. She writes:
"Dear Great and Powerful Cujo Cat,,
My two legger recently got a dog. I know terrible isn't it. It's a complete disaster! How could she let a stupid lumbering beast into my sacred territory (however small it is)? This dog is very unaware of its tail, even though i don't see how any animal can be without its tail, and smacks it around everywhere! It has come close to smacking me in the face, trampling me, stealing my food, and my two leggers attention when she should be paying attention to me! When she's looking I act like i don't care but you gotta help me cujo cat! how do i get rid of this dog or at least put it in its rightful place?"
Mimi, there are several solutions to your situation. Please feel free to utilize the method best suited for you.
1) Find an electrical socket that is within easy reach of the offending mutt. Very carefully smear a dab of peanut butter over the outlet. Sit back and watch the sparks fly. If you can find butt flavored peanut butter, so much the better.
2) Bury several chunks of Ex-Lax in your litter box. No dog can resist raiding an unattended litter box for "kitty roca". Within a couple of hours the dog in question will have made such a mess, the two leggers will decide to banish it permanently to the yard.
3) Hire yourself an Ivan. He'll make the mongrel an offer he can't refuse.
4) Sprinkle small bits of black pepper on the pillows of the two leggers while they sleep. After a few sleepless nights of sneezing, they will be convinced they are allergic to dogs and will subsequently send the dog back to whence it came.
Finally, if all else fails, break everything within the dogs reach. Make sure the two leggers are out of the room when you do, and as always LEAVE NO WITNESSES.
I hope I have been of service. Please let me know how it works out. I almost envy you this opportunity for chaos.