One of the many things that annoy me about two leggers is their tendency to stray and wander about.
Though my two leggers only travel once or twice per year, many of the minions in my FaceBook Fan Club have written to me complaining that their two leggers often leave home for days or even weeks at a time. They petition me to advise them on how to keep their two leggers on a shorter leash.
In the past I have always assumed that being cats, they are naturally smarter than their two legged caretakers, however after living with Ivan for the past six years, I have come to the realization that this is not always the case. Therefore, I have decided that once again, I shall rain droplets of wisdom upon the fertile fields of my minions.
Two leggers travel for several reasons. They travel for work, they travel for pleasure, they travel to see their family and sometimes they travel to get away from their family. The reasons they travel do not concern us. The very fact that they travel is what concerns us.
It's annoying.
While they are gone, we have no one to feed us when we hunger. We have no one to give us water when we thirst. While it is true that they usually make arrangements for us to be fed and watered while they are gone, it is usually done according to the substitute minion's schedule. What if we decide that we wish to be fed at 2:30 in the morning and there is no one here to waken? Who will retrieve our catnip mousy thingies when they get stuck behind the icebox thingy?
If no substitute minion is available, they may decide to take us to a cattery. A cattery is exactly like a nunnery except that it is totally different in every way.
It is all terribly inconvenient and not to be tolerated.
I have developed several methods of Two Legger Travel Prevention (TLTP):
Luggage Lounging- As soon as I see them break out the luggage, I take up residence in the largest suitcase and refuse to budge. This prevents them from packing anything they do not wish to be covered in cat hair.
Mooshy Map Mayhem- Liberally apply hairballs to any maps left out unattended. This will confuse their sense of direction and make travel difficult.
United Air Whines- Tiger Lily whines incessantly whenever they attempt to call their travel agent thingy. (Caution: This tactic can result in a strengthening of their urge to leave town)
Rollin In The Duh- I make Ivan roll around in everything they pack. Not only does this spread orange fur on all their clothes, it infuses it with a lingering stench that sends air fresheners crying to their mommies.
Sci-Fi Psychology- Force them to watch every disaster movie that features crashing aircraft, plague-spreading monkeys, canoe trips in Arkansas or any of the Baldwin Brothers. This will serve to discourage them from ever leaving home again.
Finally, if all else fails, there is a last resort. It is complexity in its simplest form.
It requires a doughnut and a bag of catnip.
Just before your two legger leaves on any trip requiring air travel, place the bag of catnip inside the suitcase within the folded clothes. Then take the doughnut and rub it liberally on the outside of the suitcase.
Once the two legger arrives at the airport, the police will be drawn to the smell of the doughnut and will insist upon "inspecting" the luggage. During the inspection, they will find the bag of catnip and your two legger's trip will be cancelled.
Although this will prolong them being away, they should be home in five to seven years (three with good behavior).
Though my two leggers only travel once or twice per year, many of the minions in my FaceBook Fan Club have written to me complaining that their two leggers often leave home for days or even weeks at a time. They petition me to advise them on how to keep their two leggers on a shorter leash.
In the past I have always assumed that being cats, they are naturally smarter than their two legged caretakers, however after living with Ivan for the past six years, I have come to the realization that this is not always the case. Therefore, I have decided that once again, I shall rain droplets of wisdom upon the fertile fields of my minions.
Two leggers travel for several reasons. They travel for work, they travel for pleasure, they travel to see their family and sometimes they travel to get away from their family. The reasons they travel do not concern us. The very fact that they travel is what concerns us.
It's annoying.
While they are gone, we have no one to feed us when we hunger. We have no one to give us water when we thirst. While it is true that they usually make arrangements for us to be fed and watered while they are gone, it is usually done according to the substitute minion's schedule. What if we decide that we wish to be fed at 2:30 in the morning and there is no one here to waken? Who will retrieve our catnip mousy thingies when they get stuck behind the icebox thingy?
If no substitute minion is available, they may decide to take us to a cattery. A cattery is exactly like a nunnery except that it is totally different in every way.
It is all terribly inconvenient and not to be tolerated.
I have developed several methods of Two Legger Travel Prevention (TLTP):
Luggage Lounging- As soon as I see them break out the luggage, I take up residence in the largest suitcase and refuse to budge. This prevents them from packing anything they do not wish to be covered in cat hair.
Mooshy Map Mayhem- Liberally apply hairballs to any maps left out unattended. This will confuse their sense of direction and make travel difficult.
United Air Whines- Tiger Lily whines incessantly whenever they attempt to call their travel agent thingy. (Caution: This tactic can result in a strengthening of their urge to leave town)
Rollin In The Duh- I make Ivan roll around in everything they pack. Not only does this spread orange fur on all their clothes, it infuses it with a lingering stench that sends air fresheners crying to their mommies.
Sci-Fi Psychology- Force them to watch every disaster movie that features crashing aircraft, plague-spreading monkeys, canoe trips in Arkansas or any of the Baldwin Brothers. This will serve to discourage them from ever leaving home again.
Finally, if all else fails, there is a last resort. It is complexity in its simplest form.
It requires a doughnut and a bag of catnip.
Just before your two legger leaves on any trip requiring air travel, place the bag of catnip inside the suitcase within the folded clothes. Then take the doughnut and rub it liberally on the outside of the suitcase.
Once the two legger arrives at the airport, the police will be drawn to the smell of the doughnut and will insist upon "inspecting" the luggage. During the inspection, they will find the bag of catnip and your two legger's trip will be cancelled.
Although this will prolong them being away, they should be home in five to seven years (three with good behavior).
Giggles ;-D
ReplyDeleteHow amusing! I especially liked this: "Sci-Fi Psychology- Force them to watch every disaster movie that features crashing aircraft." BTW who is your 2 leggers' Catnip Supplier? :D
ReplyDeleteMy two leggers do not use catnip. Though human "catnip" is legal in Washington, they have never partaken of it. However, they do get the "munchies" all too often.
DeleteOur humans have left us again! Stay tuned for tomorrow's post. They went by car. How to we ultimately prevent that? We're thinking slashing the tires, but that would only take a few hours to fix. Plus, they have two other cars. We're stymied. Please help, all knowing one. Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette
ReplyDeleteHide those key thingies under the stove. No one dares to look there.
DeleteExcept mom fished our toys out from under there before she left. Any other ideas? We're thinking maybe flushing them down the toilet. What do you think of that idea? Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette
DeleteYou provide the most interesting advice Cujo. We likes your ideas and have tried the first one a number of times without much success.
ReplyDeleteHowever, we is fortunate as there are other two-leggers living in our house. It takes a little more persistence to get them to feed us on time (or on demand) but we gets it done.
Maybe you just need more two-leggers at your house? MOL
You are very fortunate to have so many servants. However, I can barely tolerate the two I have. :)
DeleteThanks Nancy! :)
ReplyDeleteHi Cujo Cat!! We at the Tuxedo Gang are very happy to make you a member!! I will post your Post and Introduce you on the Blog with this week's Carnival Post!! Welcome to the Club!
ReplyDeleteYour Tuxie Furiends,
Samantha
really clever tips!
ReplyDeleteWell stroke my back and watch me nip ya! Some good thinking there with the highly attractive scent, eau-de-donut!
ReplyDeleteHey what a brilliant post I have come across and believe me I have been searching out for this similar kind of post for past a week and hardly came across this. Thank you very much and will look for more postings from you. airline approved cat carrier
ReplyDelete