Sunday, May 26, 2013

Liquor Lickers

While pondering my water bowl it occurred to me that two leggers partake of many different liquids.

This is one of the many areas that we felines differ from the lower lifeforms.

If it is morning, we drink water. If it is afternoon, we drink water. If it is after 6pm, we drink water. However, if we've had a hard day, we may just drink.........water.

Two leggers on the other paw drink a great variety of different beverages. In the morning, they drink coffee. In the afternoon, they drink iced tea or fruit juice.

As the day progresses, they drink an ever varying selection of liquids depending on the activity they are performing. For instance:

If the male two legger is working in the yard, he drinks beer.
If the female two legger is working in the yard, the male drinks beer.
If it is raining and they are unable to work in the yard, the male will drink beer.
If the male two legger is cooking meat on the grill, he will drink beer.
If the male two legger is cooking in the kitchen, the female will drink wine to counteract the fact the the male two legger is cooking in the kitchen while drinking beer.
Some nights, the female will ask the male to make a concoction containing something called tequila mixed with orange juice called a "tequila sunrise". After blending the tequila and orange juice, the male will celebrate the successful creation by drinking a beer.

I have been pondering the purpose of their libations and last night I decided to solve the mystery by conducting a thoroughly scientific experiment thingy. Fortunately, the two leggers facilitated my experiment thingy by having a gathering of their friends and leaving the kitchen uncleaned until morning. Once they retired for the evening, I realized that they had left several samples of refreshments upon the counter.

There were four different types of liquid left out. This proved extremely fortuitous given the fact that there were four felines and therefore the experiment thingy could be conducted in a most scientifically sciency experimental like manner.

I assigned Ivan to taste the beer.
Jaq would partake of the tequila stuff.
I would try the martini (shaken, not purred).
And, of course, Tiger Lily would drink the.......wait for it............wine.

We watched as Ivan stalked the beer mug. I don't know why he felt the need to stalk the mug thingy, but it is Ivan's way and I'm sure he had his reasons. He took a tentative taste. His face scrunched up like a freshly squeezed orange. After staring at the beer for a moment as if building up his courage, he shoved his face into the mug thingy and drained the contents in one long "SLUUUUUUUUUURP!". 
Looking somewhat dazed, Ivan wallowed over to the couch, burped loudly and proceeded to watch NASCAR for the next three hours.

Meanwhile, Jaq had begun sniffing the tequila. Looking at me with a grin, she lapped up the drink. For several seconds there was no visible effect upon her. Suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, she jumped four tailspans straight into the air and shot from the room. We sat in stunned silence until about five minutes later she emerged from the hallway closet with one of the female's scarves wrapped around her like a serape' and regaled us with a beautiful rendition of "Besame' Mucho".

While Ivan and Jaq were sampling their assigned beverages, I had been taking moderate sips from a half full (half empty, for my pessimistic readers) martini that had been left on the coffee table. I found this liquid to be completely unpalatable, but the olive thingy was fun to bat around. However, after finishing the martini, it dawned on me that I was perhaps the "Greatest Olive Smacker Who Had Ever Lived"!  And not only that, the entire world could benefit from my olive smacking abilities! Olive companies would seek me out to endorse their olives! Modern society would bow down to my olive smacking prowess!

As I pondered my new-found superpower, Tiger Lily had completely drained her glass of wine. True to form, she began whining about the taste of the wine. The more she "wined", the more she whined. She whined about the taste. She whined about the smell. She whined that it made her nose feel numb. She whined that it made her legs feel wobbly.

I ordered Ivan to shut her up. However, he just grinned at me from the couch and said "Boogity-boogity-boogity!".

Fortunately, a well-aimed olive put her out of my misery.

12 comments:

  1. If you use kalamata olives, you can line up the seeds in an olive Pit Row!

    heh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bwahahahaa!!!! I loves me a good pun!

      Delete
  2. Oh My Word Cujo! Sounds like a Pawsome after party!
    I especially liked:
    I assigned Ivan to taste the beer.
    Jaq would partake of the tequila stuff.
    I would try the martini (shaken, not purred).
    And, of course, Tiger Lily would drink the.......wait for it............wine.
    LOLOL Hilarious! :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. Interesting.
    An elder of our family, who was about in the period of very long hair and bright dyed shirt patterns, told of a bag of leafy two legged smoking stuffs. This stuffs caused similar superlative abilities as this Martini thingie.
    Interesting.
    Oh yes, did the abilities persist?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Super groovy Timmy :)
      Unfortunately, the abilities were short-lived. (with the exception of Ivan, he is still watching NASCAR)

      Delete
  4. Cujo, you are by far the funniest cat on the web. No, you are by far the funniest cat in the universe. We were laughing so hard, snot was flying out of our noses. Just a little gift for the humans when they finally decide to come back home. Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Kittie Blue! I am greatly honored by your praise! I hope your two leggers enjoyed their "gift" ;)

      Delete
  5. Yous guys imbibed!?!!??!!
    Mes will sticks to catnip and Valarian Root and Haneysuckle thanks yous!
    Kisses
    Nellie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nellie,
      I felt compelled to try the stuff. (know thy enemy and all that)but after the next morning, I think I'll stick with catnip and water.
      Headbonks!

      Delete
  6. Great observations. Finn MacCool, the yellow tabby, does like to drink beer, but only if it goes flat. He hates the sparkles and does not find the male human funny if he offers a fresh glass to sample.
    Keep up the writing.
    Slainte, Catherine, the woman

    ReplyDelete
  7. Laurie and the "Girls"June 2, 2013 at 10:47 AM

    Cujo,

    Last night on our way home I was in a whinny mood! I was complaining about everything....how hot I was, how tired I was, how hungry I was and on and on! My hubby in an effort to shut down the Whine my hubby said ok "Tigger Lilly! what do you need me to do about it?" Needless to say the rest of the ride home was a quiet one! I am just glad we don't eat olives! MOL

    ReplyDelete