Friday, May 17, 2013

Sleep Disorder

I am concerned about my two leggers.

Of late, they have taken up the nasty habit of "sleeping in" on the days that they are not required to go to work.

I find this unacceptable, unforgivable, inconsiderate and annoying.

You will recall from earlier post thingies that we feline types are banished from the sleeping chamber of the two leggers while they sleep. I have found this practice to be somewhat of a two-edged sword. While it allows us free reign over the rest my house to cause chaos during the darkest hours of the night, it also prevents us from waking them whenever we require their services.

In the past, I have always been able to summon the two leggers with the simple act of breaking something in a loud and amusing manner. However, it has been my experience that the later they lay abed, the more difficult it becomes to rouse them.

I have employed many methods of waking them which seem to work for a while. But, like a drug-resistant bacterium thingy, they soon grow immune to each new tactic and continue their slumber.

At first I ordered Tiger Lily to stand at their door and whine plaintively. This was at first greeted with shouts of  "TIGER!! SHUT UP!", and "TIGER!! I SAID SHUT UP!!". Sometimes it was even followed by "DAMMIT TIGER!! SHUT UP!".  Once on spaghetti night, I even heard "YO TIGRE! SHUT UPPA YOU MOUTH!". But soon, they began locking Tiger Lily in the computer room at night and that weapon was denied me. I smacked her for her failure and went back to the drawing board.

Next, I ordered Jaq to sing the most annoying songs at their door. Unfortunately, she didn't know any Justin Beiber songs and settled for a medley of Gangsta Rap. After five minutes of listening to her threaten to "pop a cap in someone's bizzle and majizzle", the female two legger opened the door, proclaimed that she was "the cutest wittle kitty on Earth" and invited her to sleep with them for the remainder of the evening. This annoyed me so much that I felt compelled to smack Tiger Lily.

I decided that Ivan should give it a try. At first he wasn't interested in waking the two leggers. But after I explained that their new habit of sleeping late was responsible for his breakfast being delayed, he found his motivation and joined in with a vengeance. He began launching himself at their door repeatedly. Each time he hit the door, the entire house shook.  BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! I thought that this would surely stir them to rise earlier. However, the two leggers were craftier than I gave them credit for. The next evening, the male installed a mirror on the door. As Ivan approached the door, he discovered another large orange tabby staring back at him. After much hissing and confusion, Ivan made friends with the interloper and spent the rest of the night grooming the mirror.

After smacking Tiger Lily for Ivan's failure, I figured that as usual, it was up to me to solve this dilemma. I tried to come up with a noise that would cause any two legger to leap from their bed in a fit of irritation and induced insomnia. I was unable to procure a Taylor Swift CD thingy but fortunately I am extremely adept at faking the sound of hacking up hairballs.

Simplicity at its best. I stand outside their door and say "HSSSSSSKKKK.......HSSSSSSSSKK......ACK ACK ACK..........HSSSSSSSKK" . Invariably, within 3.62 seconds a two legger throws open the door with a wad of paper towels clutched in their paw. They then watch until satisfied that it was a false alarm and return to their bed. As soon as I hear the sound of gentle snoring, I repeat my performance.

This strategy worked so well that I gave Tiger Lily a celebratory smack.

13 comments:

  1. Sounds like this plan has potential.
    Good luck.

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  2. Have you tried peeing on their face? I guarantee they'll jump up pronto ;-)

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    1. Hehehehehe, I may attempt this, but covering it up when I am finished may present a challenge.

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  3. We are so sorry that you do not have bedroom privileges. We love to pile on the humans and make them as uncomfortable as possible. Dad sleeps through anything so rarely knows what's going on. Mom, on the other hand, wakes up constantly to go pee and always disturbs us. We try to be nice with a self-made rule to only have five of us in bed at any one time; though, on occasion, we break this! We are cats after all. On another note: Mom bought your book and has been spending too much time reading about you. We mentioned it in yesterday's post with a link back to you. Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

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    1. We are allowed in the bedroom, but only when they are home and conscious. It is where they keep all the most breakable (read valuable) stuff. But it is of no consequence, we still manage to damage it anyway. Thank you so much for the shoutout on your blog thingy! I read it and love your stories! I hope your two legger enjoys the book thingy!

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  4. There is discipline at your house oh great cat ! my 3 "four legged fur people" sleep onto me all 3 all night. I sometimes cannot even turn over. My Prince Charming, called Paladin, ( he looks like Jaq but fatter ) has developed a special contralto voice that he uses to call me from as faraway as he can go. It is a powerful contralto that jolts me up, asleep or awake, at any time when he decides he want to be petted or fed. You may try that as a variant attention-getter and don't give up until they arrive. Ahh.. cats how we love them, how they love us.
    Vera
    ilghepardo@wordpress.com

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    1. Vera, I shall ponder this use of the vocal cord thingies! Perhaps an amplifier would help as well.....I must ponder this.

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  5. I told CujaKitty of your plight ComMonster Cujo. She says she commiserates w/you and that her hairballs are quite epic! She thinks it is a travesty of justice that you are not allowed on the 2 leggers' bed @ night!

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    1. The Force Thingy is strong in Cuja. I actually prefer to stay outside the bedchamber while they sleep. The male snores in a most unholy fashion.

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  6. Oh Oh do you snore Sir? *Salute*

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  7. You have put forth some rather interesting alternatives to having Brofur Rumpus engage in his annoying whine-purr in the early hours.

    Our two legged is very well trained for that time but, as you know, there are 24 hours and endless slices of said hours in which we may need service of one sort or another.

    The HSSSSSSKKKK with attendant ACK is well thought out. Possibly HSSSSSSKKKK HCCK HCCK would be good as it is closer to a death rattle. I will keep you informed

    Tim T

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