Psych-Out

Some subjects are simply too ridiculous and stupid to post about.

However, that has never stopped me before, so here goes:

It has recently come to my attention that there is a small group of two leggers that have deemed themselves "Pet Psychologists".

If you could see my face right now you may be under the false impression that I am smirking with mild derision at such a ludicrous idea. In all actuality, I am smirking with great derision at such a ludicrous idea.

Now if you think that I am about to mock these "Pet Psychologists" with scathing wit and sarcasm....

Obviously you know me too well.

Make no mistake, I applaud their idealism and devotion to their four legged masters, however misled they may be.

I suppose these "Pet Psychologists" devoted much money and time to learning their discipline. They probably attended some big-time university thingy like The Arkansas University for The Performing Arts and Criminally Insane. They most likely took classes at AUTPACI like "What's My Cat Thinking? 101" and "What's That Guy's Cat Thinking? 202" and perhaps "Intro into Why's My Dog Thingy So Stupid?". They probably even spent minutes observing cats in their natural environments (litter boxes and windowsills).  After several years of studying, AUTPACI deems them worthy of escape and they are released into the wild.

They then buy multiple turtlenecks, move to a small unsuspecting town, hang up their shingle thingy and set up an office where they attempt to tell other two leggers what their four leggers are thinking for $180 per hour.

For those of you interested in what we are thinking, allow me to save you your hard earned money.

For those in servitude to cats:
If your cat seems listless- It is bored and thinking of killing something.
If your cat is laying down with eyes closed- It is sleeping and dreaming of killing something.
If your cat is pacing from window to window with tail twitching- It sees something outside that it wishes to kill.
If your cat is standing next to its food bowl- It wishes you to kill something and place it in the bowl.
If your cat is scratching your furniture whilst glaring at you- It is threatening to kill something.
If your cat is playing with its catnip mousie thingy- It is demonstrating how easily it can kill something.
If your cat is walking down the hallway with tail waving lazily- It has discovered something to kill and is simply waiting for you to go to bed.
If your cat is lolling on its back with a goofy grin on its face- It is Ivan and should be ignored.
If your cat is whining- It is Tiger Lily and should be smacked.
If your cat is in a box singing show tunes-It is Jaq and should be institutionalized.
If your cat is using the litter box- It had to go potty.
If your cat is writing a blog thingy- It is plotting the overthrow of Western Civilization and should be obeyed.

For owners of dog thingies:
If you dog thingy is breathing- It is a dog thingy and thinking of sniffing someone's butt.

In conclusion, I would like to quote the imminent two legged scientist Dr. Sigmund Freud:

"Anyone that thinks they know the mind of a cat is freakin nuts."