Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Larry

Once again, the two leggers are up to something. 

Once again, they are trying to hide it from me, but I will not be fooled.

While they think I am asleep or not looking, they cast furtive glances my way. They believe that I have not noticed that their suitcases have migrated from the guestroom closet to the space under their bed. I suspect that they are once again plotting an escape.  All the evidence supports my theory. The suitcases, the unexplained studying of map thingies, the tidying of papers and documents.

They have even gone so far as to introduce me to a new two legged minion, The Larry, and shown him where my food is kept. He has been given a key to my house and shown how to activate the burger alarm. I do not know why the two leggers installed the burger alarm last year, we have had no illicit burger intrusions, but I suspect that it has something to do with the diet that the female is always threatening the male with.

As I suspected, the following morning, my two leggers rose early and after bribing us with a 2am snack, suddenly grabbed their bags and sprinted for the door. About eight hours later, The Larry showed up and gave us more food.

The Larry perplexes me. He is approximately the same age as my two leggers.  Much like my male two legger, he has graying hair. His voice is soft and gravelly. He is always quick with a smile and seems terminally cheerful, bordering on jolly. This seemingly eternal happiness would be annoying enough, but I have also come to the realization that he is also fraternizes with dog thingies. When he comes to visit, he is often accompanied by a smallish black and white canine. Through much investigation, I have discovered that this dog thingy’s name is “Harlequin” or “Harlie” for short.
Over the years, I have decided that there are basically four types of dog thingies:
1.       Quivering Buggy-Eyed Mini-Mutts- QBEMM’s usually stand no more than one tailspan at the shoulder. They are often carried by their two leggers and usually attired in sweaters, bows, little hats or any combination therein. When left to their own devices, they will sit and shake uncontrollably while making annoying yipping sounds. (See also Rodentia)
2.       Large Slobbering Hellbeasts-The LSH is characterized by low- intelligence, but makes up for their mental deficiency with sheer size and brute strength. They can usually be found chewing on bulldozers and intimidating large boulders.
3.      Floofy Sissy Pups- FSP’s are the most useless, but least offensive of the canine organisms. They strut around inviting the world to admire them while serving absolutely no definable purpose. They spend most of their day being combed, groomed and looking in mirrors.
4.      Psycho-Nut Hyper Pooches- PNHP’s are the most annoying denizens of the Canine Kingdom. They spend their time chasing their tails, chasing sticks, finding more sticks to chase, jumping up and down for no particular reason, barking at brainwaves, chasing the tails of other dog thingies, running in circles, catching Frisbees, chasing more sticks, and sometimes, they will chase sticks. They are obviously caffeine addicts and I suspect that they may also experiment with other recreational drugs.
      Without a question, Harlie is a PNHP.

Every time The Larry visits, Harlie immediately leaps from his vehicle and begins grabbing sticks that she takes to The Larry in the expectation that he will throw said stick. After The Larry tosses the stick, Harlie will chase it down, subdue it by drowning it in five gallons of slobber and then return the stick to The Larry thus creating a never-ending slobber-infused cycle. As far as I can discern, this exercise serves no purpose other than coating virtually every stick in my Kingdom in disgustingly drippy doggy drool.

At first I thought that perhaps canine saliva may serve as an organic fertilizer, however. Not one of the affected sticks has begun to sprout roots nor shown any sign of new growth. The sticks seem to gain no benefit from their constant coating.

Then I thought that maybe Harlie acted in this manner to irritate The Larry, but this has proven to be false because The Larry never seems irritated.

Finally, I reached the conclusion that in her uniquely dog-like instinct, she was seeking to entertain The Larry. Perhaps The Larry enjoys handling items that are totally drenched in animal spit.

I decided to test my hypothesis. The next time The Larry came, I distracted him while Ivan ate his car keys and then regurgitated them onto the floor in front of him.

The Larry did not seem entertained.

Next time, I’ll make Ivan eat a stick.

1 comment:

  1. LOL!! I can see the 2 leggers sprinting to the door! BTW, the 'burger' alarm sounds like a great investment. Have you ever spied a 'burger' Cujo?