Friday, February 15, 2013

The Undiscovered Country

The closet at the end of the hallway beckons.

This closet is a smallish room of many wonders. It is a closely guarded two legger secret. It is the one place in my kingdom that has been deemed "off limits" to me and the other four legged denizens of my house. For the last four years, Ivan, Tiger Lily, Jaq, and I have been attempting to gain access to this mysterious space. Whenever a two legger hangs up a coat or places their boots within this closet, one or all of us will attempt entry through means of deception or outright brute force.

Alas to no avail. Our attempts are always thwarted by a strategically placed leg or quickly slammed door.

Until today.

Today, while Ivan lay sleeping the innocent sleep of the witless, I decided that his smack levels were dangerously low. Being the caring ruler that I am, I decided to give him a dose of smacks which caused him to awaken in a panic and run as fast as his stubby little legs would carry him to the bathroom. In a fortunate bit of misfortune, Ivan failed to negotiate the turn at the end of the hallway and slammed into the closet door, springing the lock and causing the door to swing slowly open.

Cue angelic music.

I crept slowly towards the door, ears flat, tail slightly twitching. Upon entering the closet, I quickly realized that I had discovered The Lost Colony of Fugitive Catnip Mousie Thingies. Unaware of my approach, they lounged on the floor among the boots of the two leggers. In a frenzy of frisky delight, I pounced among them and wrestled, bit and kicked them into submission.

 As I surveyed the closet, I saw coats, sweaters, scarfs and hats hanging from hooks and a central rod. The side shelves were stacked with old board games and miscellany. But what really caught my attention was just above the top shelf.

It was a large rectangular opening in the ceiling. I climbed the shelves and found myself directly beneath the dark hole. I found that by stretching to my full length, I could just see over the rim of the opening. The portal led to a dark dusty room that stretched the entire length and breadth of my house. It was at this point that I heard the sound of the two leggers returning home from work. I quickly decided that I should wait until they slept before continuing my exploration. By the time they entered my house, I had climbed down and managed to push the door closed without re-engaging the lock.

For now, I would wait......

And plot.

I called a meeting of my fellow felines and informed them of my plans to go where no cat has gone before. I assigned each of them very specific duties. Ivan would accompany me and be prepared to slay anything that may annoy me. Tiger Lily would stand as a lookout at the door of the two legger's bedroom, giving us warning lest they awaken and discover our mission of discovery. I assigned Jaq the task of providing a soundtrack for our grand adventure. It is a requirement that all great heroes have a stirring musical overture thingy. Indiana Jones, Jame Bond, Superman, John Wayne and Peewee Herman are examples of this rule.

We watched and waited as the two leggers went through their nightly rituals. The female went to bed around 11pm. The male took his nightly bath at 11:45. The tension in the hallway steadily built. At exactly 11:52, I could stand it no more and smacked Tiger Lily repeatedly (This has nothing to do with the narrative, but I felt it worth mentioning).

Finally at 12:18 am, we heard the welcome sound of the male exiting the bathroom and settling next to the female.

Soon our patience was rewarded by the the unholy sound of "SNAAAAAAAAWK!" coming from the bed. The male had begun to snore. After a short time, the "SNAAAAAAAAWK!" turned to "S'NAUQUE!". When the male begins to snore in French, I know he is well and truly asleep.

Leaving Tiger Lily stationed at the bedroom door, Ivan and I entered the closet. We paused at the door to consider the carnage of the earlier catnip mousie massacre. However, knowing that we only had seven or eight hours before the two leggers would be waking for the new day, I determined that we should make the best of the time we had and continue our exploration. As we started to climb the shelves, we could hear Jaq below us softly singing "Climb Every Mountain" in a passable imitation of Julie Andrews.

We quickly ascended to the top shelf and I nimbly leaped through the opening in the ceiling. Ivan stood below me, looking up, unsure if he could propel his bulk to such an altitude. I quickly settled his dilemma by saying "Wow! Lookit all this food!". Ivan magically appeared next to me, but was unamused when he realized that he'd been tricked yet again. 

As we looked around us, Jaq began humming "Spirit In The Sky". We beheld a very large, dusty room. Wires of all types stretched here, there and yonder. Boxes were stacked in random corners, leaving a vast plain where herds of wild dust bunnies roamed. I had to physically restrain Ivan from immediately going all Jungle King on the nearest herd. As we explored the space, we found ourselves directly above the shelf where the female two legger keeps her most treasured knock knacks. Only 1.5 inches of sheet rock separated me from the porcelian penguin that I had been longing to destroy for years.

Next time I'm bringing a drill.

To Be Continued.....


  1. If you want to smile and LOL, read this blog!
    Lo Singer

  2. LOL! Who knew that "The Lost Colony of Fugitive Catnip Mousie Thingies" would lead you onward and upward, Cujo!! KUDOS on your discovery!! Voyage On, Lil Dude!

  3. Oh. My. COD.

    Cujo, this is the PINNACLE of excitement!! The apex, the ACME!!!!