Contested Chaos

Last night, I decided that it was time for the Second Annual Monthly Cujo Kingdom Talent Show.

It has been over two years since the First Annual Monthly Cujo Kingdom Talent Show, but I've never let silly details like facts, calenders or common sense interfere with my amusement.

I have had to modify the contest this year due to the lack of a willing judge. You will recall that our last judge, the late bathroom spider, suddenly disappeared under suspicious circumstances shortly after awarding the Grand Prize to Tiger Lily. Parts of him were later discovered in The Royal Litter, but not enough to make a definitive identification. I offered the job to the newest bathroom spider, but he seemed somewhat reluctant to follow in his predecessors multiple footsteps and declined the position.

So I ate him.

Lacking a judge, I declared that the winner this year would be decided by water squirty thingy. That is to say whomever annoyed the two leggers and earned the most squirts from the water squirty thingy (WST) would be deemed the winner of this year's competition.

Extra points for style would also be considered.

Since Tiger Lily won the last competition, I decided that she would be forc.....um....allowed to go first.

She began the contest by exhibiting how a crystal wineglass (or whine-glass) can be shattered by one's voice. She sat on the kitchen counter next to a dirty wineglass and began emitting a high-pitched, incredibly annoying sound. The rest of us watched with paw-covered ears as the wineglass began to vibrate to the resonance. Just as the noise became unbearable......CRASH!

The wineglass shattered into tiny twinkling crystalline shards.

The glass wasn't exactly broken by sound waves per se, but rather by the sock ball that the male two legger threw at Tiger Lily in a poorly thrown attempt at shutting her up. However, the results were the same and she was immediately chased from the kitchen with two squirts of the WST.

Jaq took the stage next with an act we had never witnessed before. It would seem that Jaq has a hidden talent for ventriloquism. She started by hiding behind the male two legger's chair during dinner and making various flatulent noises. This did not bring about the appearance of the WST, however it did cause the female to exit the dining room with a look of disgust directed at the male. I awarded Jaq three style points anyway. The second part of her act consisted of Jaq making the golf ball in Ivan's food bowl call him very insensitive names while he was trying to eat. Once again, no squirts, but I felt compelled to award her five more points for finding yet another creative way to confuse Ivan.

After an intermission for naps and visits to the Royal Litter, it was Ivan's turn.

Ivan decided to show us his talent at impressions. He stood at the end of the hallway. All was silent. Suddenly, he crooked his tail, trilled and galloped at full speed down the hall. Without breaking stride, he plowed head first into the closet door at the end of the hall. The impression Ivan's face left on the door is quite life-like. The impact rattled the windows and brought both two legger's running with WST's  in hand.

Ivan pulled into the lead with six squirts.

It was up to me to provide the Finale for the night's entertainment.

I decided to warm up the crowd with a little knock-knack destruction. A souvenir shot glass and a ceramic candle holder will never require dusting again.

Two squirts.

Next I performed my patented "Very Vertical Voomer & Boomer Maneuver". This consists of sprinting from room-to-room, bouncing off of convenient walls, doors, furniture and the occasional innocent bystander, leaving a swath of destruction in my wake. A triple "freaky cat" twist and I stuck the landing mere inches in front of a poofed Tiger Lily.

I could hear the stumbling steps of the male two legger approaching with a locked and loaded water squirty thingy. I timed my move perfectly. Just as I heard the telltale squeak of his trigger finger tightening, I leapt exactly one tailspan to the right.

Tiger Lily caught the squirt squarely in her unnaturally large face.

Triple bonus, double word score and superior style points for me.

 I have unanimously declared myself the winner.

Meanwhile, Ivan is filing a bullying complaint against the golfball.