Monday, February 11, 2013

Utter Cupidity

In the two and a half years that I have been writing my blog thingy, I have never failed to share my musings on the myriad of two legger holidays.  I have spoken on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, and New Year's Day. I believe I have covered every major American holiday.

With one exception.

Valentine's Day.

Given the fact that I am neutered, I believe my minions can understand this omission.

However, I believe the time has come to sprinkle some droplets of wisdom upon the parched fields of their roses.

Admittedly, Valentine's Day is the one holiday that confuses me.

First a little history:
Valentine's Day is named after an ancient two legged priest named St. Valentine. He was remarkable because he had wings, wore a diaper and flew around shooting arrows at people. In most instances this would have been considered bad manners and he would have been trapped and committed to a room with rubber walls. However in St. Val's case, whomever was struck by his arrows fell immediately in love with the next person they saw, took the red-eye to Vegas and got married by an Elvis impersonator.  This soon became the standard by which all two legger romance would be judged.

 To commemorate the holiday, American male two leggers, when they remember, give their mates a variety of gifts to symbolize their affection. I list a few below:
1. Chocolate- Artfully arranged in a large heart-shaped box, this is the perfect gift for the females who as a whole generally obsess about their weight.
2. Flowers- Giving a large bouquet that until recently were a beautiful, blossoming example of nature's beauty, but now that they have been cut down are destined to wither and rot within the next 72 hours is a fantastic expression of undying love.
3. Romantic Dinner- Taking her to a dimly lit setting and once again, feeding rich food to someone who is obsessed about their weight seems like a great idea.
4. I was gonna say "Jewelry", but given that my two leggers work in a jewelry store, perhaps I should pass on this one.

In other countries, male two leggers give their mates different gift thingies. For instance:
In Canada, they give maple syrup and hockey tickets.
In France, wine, cheese, baguettes and a snide look.
In England, a pint of ale, fish & chips and a breath mint.
In Russia, a bottle of vodka and furry boots.
In New Zealand, rugby tickets and a ......well, just rugby tickets.
And in Arkansas, a keg of Budweiser, NASCAR tickets and a goat.

Bottom line, the male two leggers spend one week per year attempting to show the female two leggers that they love, adore and cherish them. The second week of February is devoted to proving their devotion and dedication to their mates. They spend loads of money buying cards, candy, meals, flowers and jewelry in order to win the hearts of their loved ones.

Therein lies my confusion.

Wouldn't it be cheaper and less stressful if they simply used smaller, more meaningful gestures throughout the entire year to prove their affection rather than compressing it into one expensive and commercialized day? Would it not be more effective to treat them like they would like to be treated 52 two weeks per year rather than one or two days per year?

Perhaps, if they opened a car door, or complimented their hair, or asked them if they had lost weight, or chased them through the kitchen naked with a spatula and a can of whipped cream more often, the February love rush would last the entire year.

 Yes, even I have been known to show the occasional romantic gesture. Why, just the other day, I only smacked Tiger Lily on the ear instead of a full-frontal tabby smack.

And by all means, please give them flowers more often. Not only do they make her smile, but it gives us feline types something to destroy in the wee hours of the night.

Finally, according to my two leggers, you should buy jewelry all year round. Lots of jewelry. Big expensive diamonds. Fist sized rubies and enough gold to bankrupt third-world countries.

For those of my minions spending Valentine's day alone this year, Ivan is available. He and the big stuffed bunny have decided to see other people.


  1. Cujo! Your 2 legger wisdom is mighty perceptive! P.S. I think I need Ivan to visit MOI, may I borrow him?? :D

    1. For some strange reason, Ivan has developed quite the following. I am considering selling him to the highest bidder.

  2. Cujo, you's got our Mom leaking tears 'cuz she's laughing so hard. You is one smart kitty! MOL

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

  3. Great post, Cujo! Smack!

  4. lmao as always! Love "In France, wine, cheese, baguettes and a snide look." I agree with you, men should show their love ALL year!! And...I am available for Ivan and I am the MOM! lol
    Also, so proud to be a "Catvocate" with you!

    1. Thank you Caren! I knew I'd see your name on the Catvocate list!

  5. Thank you for brightening our day and making us laugh! Happy Valentine's Day from Feline Funnies.

  6. Cats are profound and yes, cats rule. Tuxedo cats are also known to help solve murders, or at least they do in my book, Black Cat's Legacy. Our longhair tuxedo cat, Boots is the inspiration for my feline hero. Enjoyed your blog and would love to follow you in the future. Every day is a holiday in a house blessed with cats. Elaine Faber