Saturday, May 21, 2011
Tonight I'd like to tell you more about Ivan The Tolerable.
Many of my followers have written to me asking for more information regarding Ivan.
Never let it be said that I do not listen.
Okay, it is OFTEN said that I do not listen, but only because it is true.
Remember me? I'm a cat.
Anyway, I thought I'd acquiesce and describe him in greater detail.
You asked for it. You've no one to blame but yourself.
I first met Ivan when the the two leggers brought me to my new kingdom. His unnaturally small head was the first thing I saw as I exited the kitty carrier thingy. As I came out, I beheld the most perplexing sight. A large orange tabby. Not just a run of the mill orange tabby, but one that had a huge abdomen, tiny little pinhead, short little stubby legs and the shortest tail I had ever seen. It was like he was standing in front of one of those carnival mirrors that make you look all distorted. The only difference was that Ivan needed no mirror to appear distorted. His oddness is 100% natural.
His first reaction to me was to say "Ummmm hiss?"
I smacked the hiss outta him and proceeded to lay claim to the rest of my kingdom.
However, I continued to keep an eye on him. I quickly realized that Ivan does have some endearing qualities:
1. Being extraordinarily dim, he is easily manipulated.
2. Being extraordinarily dim, he is also incredibly loyal.
3. Being extraordinarily dim, he doesn't know when you are making fun of him.
4. Being extraordinarily dim, he fears nothing.
5. Being extraordinarily dim, he forgets to hold grudges.
Did I mention he's dim?
Ivan also has a very short fuse. Once, I observed him get so angry with his own paw that he refused to use it for ten minutes. It was amusing to watch him limp around on three legs.
For the most part, the two leggers are the recipients of Ivan's wrath. When Ivan is in a "mood", no ankle is safe. One can spot when he becomes perturbed. His sad excuse for a tail suddenly starts twitching like a conductors baton, his micro-mouth becomes locked in the open position and he stalks the room looking for something to place in his jaws.
He can chomp like no one I have ever seen. His chomp has been known to make rocks cry. His chomp is spoken of with reverence among shark thingies. There are pit bulls that are lobbying to have his chomp regulated.
On the other hand, when Ivan is happy, he is also quite amusing. When he feels frisky, he suddenly crooks his tail and with a trill, stampedes up and down the hallway making a sound not unlike an elephant thingy in heat. He bounces around like a fuzzy orange bowling ball leaving fear and destruction in his wake. Several earthquakes have been attributed to his shennanigans. Chaos follows him wherever he goes.
I love that about him.