I Be Trippin

I have heard several two leggers complain that their feline masters are trying to kill them. This is ridiculous, We would never attempt to kill you. If we killed our two leggers, who would provide us food and catnip mousie thingies? Plus, I've yet to learn how to turn on the firebox thingy.

Killing you is totally out of the question.

We wish to maim you. If you are maimed, you will have more time to worship us. You will be unable to leave our house. You will have to spend more time in bed, thereby keeping it at an agreeably warm temperature. I would lay money that you may even come to thank us for crippling you for life.

That being said, there is a gray area here that requires clarification. We do not wish you to end up in a wheelchair. Wheelchairs are not tail friendly. Walkers and canes are preferable. They enable you remain ambulatory (for feeding us and cleaning the royal litter) and the sound they make has the added benefit of providing us with early warning of your approach. Also, you need both hands to operate a walker, leaving no room to carry a water squirty thingy.

Now allow me to address my fellow felines. When trying to maim your two leggers, do be careful. If you trip them, make sure that they are not carrying a firearm. (One-Eyed Petie will attest to this.) If you are planning on sending them down a set of steps, make sure the steps are not too high or steep as this may cause more damage to the two legger than you wish. If at all possible, try to trip your two legger while their hands are full. This has the dual advantages of not allowing them to catch themselves, as well as making a huge mess when whatever they are carrying breaks upon impact with the floor.

As always, after successfully accomplishing your goal, destroy all the evidence and bury all the witnesses.