Psychic Disabilities

Two leggers are fascinated with anyone that appears to have powers beyond the norm. They are constantly searching for those who can read minds, foresee the future or communicate with the dead. In their constant quest to find the answers to their supernatural inquiries, they are perfectly willing to spend enormous amounts of money. They seem unaware that they should be spending their hard earned money on more important things.

Like cat toys.

Cat food.

Catnip.

Cat treats.

Farm raised squirrels.

However, even given this vital information, I am sure that some two leggers will continue to throw their money at any charlatan that professes to know the unknowable. So I have decided to kill two bird thingies with one claw.

I am now a psychic.

Send me your money and I will perform the supernatural act of your choice.

My mind reading ability is now telling me that you doubt the veracity of my psychic talent. It tells me that you are skeptical and require proof of my gift. I am even picking up vibe thingies that you believe that I am simply trying to trick you out of your life's savings.

See how good I am?

But for those of you who may still retain some suspicion in regards to my legitimacy, I will now offer undeniable proof. 

I will now read Ivan's mind.......

Okay, that was an ill-conceived idea. I got nothing except a sudden craving for cheese doodles.

Perhaps I should read the male two legger's mind........

Great, now I am craving cheese doodles and beer.

I would attempt to read the female two legger's mind, but I fear that cheese doodles, beer and new shoes would be a bad combination.

So I shall resort to predicting the future.

By reading my catnip leaves, I can with confidence predict that several events will take place in the very near future:
#1- A whiny gray tabby will be smacked repeatedly by an unknown assailant.
#2- At exactly 2:33 AM, a vase in a seemingly empty hallway will suddenly decide that life is not worth living and leap to its death.
#3- At exactly 2:34 AM, Ivan will be blamed for the death of the suicidal pottery and become the recipient of a massive wetting by the water squirty thingy.
#4- Arkansas will be voted the "weakest link" and sold to Yugoslavia for two pigs and a goat.
#5- Scientists will discover that Keith Richards died seven years ago and has only continued to perform as lead guitarist of The Rolling Stones due to a clever contraption involving a series of wires, pulleys and five hamsters.
#6-Scientists will also discover that stepping in a hairball on a daily basis prevents Athlete's Foot.
#7- The female two legger, in a fit of unwarranted optimism and trust, will allow the male to assist her in painting the exterior of my house green.
#8- The male two legger, while covered in green paint, gets hired by the Disney Corporation to perform as their newest character "Snuffy the Seasick Smurf".

I feel that some of you may still have doubts. I know that some of my predictions seem far-fetched.

But trust me, that Keith Richards thing is totally gonna happen.