Blown Away

Every year, from about the 2nd of July to around the 6th of July, the two leggers that live in the vicinity of my Kingdom lose their minds.

Normally they are conscientious, polite, and reasonably sane (my two leggers excepted). For the most part, there are few loud parties and very little yelling or fighting. From what I have observed on the talking box thingy, I live in what could safely be called a "quiet" neighborhood.

However, come July, these normally sedate individuals suddenly get the urge to go out and buy massive quantities of explosives and proceed to turn their backyards into war zones.

I have always been curious about this disturbing behavior. So, I decided to do some research.

I am now an expert on the history of firework thingies.

A very long time ago, (around the time my male two legger was born) a group of two leggers that wore pointy hats and ate rice with sticks, discovered that if they mixed a bunch of powdery stuff together, shoved it in old toilet paper rolls, put a string in one end, and then set the string on fire, it would blow up and annoy their neighbors.

Over the following centuries, they developed ever more creative recipes for the powdery stuff that made it explode with different colors and patterns. Some shot very high in the air and burst in flashy flowery displays, some simply made a big bang and shook their neighbor's house like Ivan jumping down from a cabinet top.

Around two hundred years ago, a two legger Native American named Jimmy Tenfingers went to the land of the pointy-hatted two leggers and was awestruck by their propensity for annoying their neighbors. However, in typical American fashion, Jimmy felt that the formula could be improved upon. Upon his return to America, he declared that the firework thingies were the most patriotic way of celebrating the birthday of our great nation.

At first his fellow Americans were skeptical. But after Jimmy (now known as Jimmy Eightfingers) made it clear that the firework thingies were best enjoyed with copious amounts of beer and other alcoholic beverages, the Americans saw the genius in his logic and took to the new tradition like Ivan to a cheese doodle.

Soon, Americans everywhere were blowing up their backyards and annoying their neighbors.

Jimmy Sixfinger's fame grew. Before long, he began to sell his firework thingies not just to celebrate Independence Day, it also became traditional to annoy your neighbors on New Years Eve as well. So now, twice a year, two leggers all over the world attempt to outdo each other by seeing who can make the loudest bang or the biggest boom.

By the time of his death, Jimmy Onefinger's legacy had reached every corner of the Earth.

In fact, it is in tribute to Jimmy that whenever one neighbor annoys another, they are invariably saluted by holding up a single finger.