Let The Games Begin

I have discovered that every four years, two leggers from every nation migrate to a preordained location and compete with each other in various athletic events. In two legger society, this seems to be a big honkin deal.

I have been observing the pre-olympic fooforah and find myself completely, totally and thoroughly unimpressed.

The two leggers run in circles, run in straight lines, jump into water, swim, jump over bars, swing on bars, dance and prance, throw things, jump over things, shoot stuff, ride horse thingies and a myriad of other activities. They do all this in the hope that they will be awarded a shiny thingy thereby earning the esteem of all the other two leggers.

For the most part, I find most of these competitions tedious and boring. However there are a few that pique my interest.

The one that features a pair of two leggers standing in a square enclosure (oddly called a ring) and punching each other repeatedly amuses me greatly. The event in which they attempt to poke each other with long, pointy, metal sticks showed promise until I realized that after 30 minutes not one of the competitors had bled. I considered this false advertising and bad form.

I now realize that the two leggers who are charged with organizing these competitions are in dire need of my counsel.

By adopting a few rule changes, the Olympics can be made truly entertaining:

1. Any event in which running is required, all runners should be encouraged to greater speed by the implement of either a lion or a bear or both.

2. All gymnastics should be performed over a burning lake of gasoline. This will discourage the competitors from falling.

3. Use of performance enhancing herbs such as catnip will increase the frisky factor and possibly cause slap fights and wrestling during all events.

4. Any two legger whose name contains more vowels than consonants should be instantly disqualified due to pronunciation issues.

5. New events such as "Javelin Catch", "Full Contact Dressage" and "The 100 Meter Smack and Scurry" should be introduced.

6. Any celebrity performing at the opening ceremony must be younger than the original Olympic Games.

7. In each event, there will be one "secret spoiler competitor" whose sole aim will be to screw up the performance of all the other competitors. (I would recommend the French for this role)

8. Reality television stars and politicians will be ridden in place of horses during all equestrian events.

9. Judges will be chosen from an undiscovered tribe of natives that reportedly live somewhere in the Amazon.

10. Athletes who fail to survive these games will be excluded from subsequent games.

I am confident that by implementing these minor changes, we can save the Olympics and make them popular again.