Christmas Calamity

Over the last week, I have spent much time pondering......

Aside from pondering a new strategy for defeating Santa Claus during his annual intrusion (I will get to that later), I have also been thinking about how my minions across the world celebrate the season.

Since starting my blog thingy over six years ago, I have subjugated minions from all over the world. On every continent and in every hemisphere, my minions eagerly await my nuggets of wisdom and mayhem. But it occurs to me that though they may know how I celebrate Christmas, they may have little knowledge about how those of other cultures engage in yuletide festivities.

I have always considered it to be my responsibility to not only entertain my minions, but to educate them as well. In keeping with that, I shall now attempt to spread a little "Noel-edge"

Now everyone knows that on December 24th of every year, Santa makes his miraculous journey around the planet, spreading joy and presents to all the little embryonic two leggers. What they may not be aware of is the fact that he appears and behaves differently in accordance with the societal customs of the cultures he visits. I feel that it is important to know and understand these differences.

For instance:

In Australia, where Christmas occurs in the middle of Summer, it would not be practical for Santa to travel wearing a thick, red, fur-lined suit and high black boots. No, Down Under, Santa dons khaki shorts, a khaki shirt (unbuttoned to the navel of course), a crumpled safari hat and Blundstone boots with no socks. He does not say "Ho Ho Ho!", but prefers the traditional Australian greeting of "Oy Oy Oy". The children do not leave milk and cookies, but beer and vegamite in the hopes that he will leave them a boomerang and maybe a pet crocodile.

In Canada, Santa wears his traditional costume, but carries a hockey stick and uses a snowmobile instead of a reindeer-drawn sleigh on account of his reindeer constantly being shot at by over-zealous hunters. He is polite, but cautious. The children leave saucers of hockey pucks, drizzled with maple syrup. This Christmas it is reported that he was confused by the lack of American celebrities that were scheduled to be living in Canadian homes.

In Germany, he wears bright red liederhosen and steel-toed boots. While elsewhere in the world he is known as a "jolly old elf", in Germany, most children are terrified of Santa. It is not Santa's fault, he tries, but when he yells (Germans never speak softly) "FROHE WEIHNACHTEN UND GUTEN RUTSCH INS NEUE JAHR!!!" ("Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!), it comes across as a chastisement and scares the massenpoopen out of them.

I hope this small tidbit of Christmas trivia has been informative.

In the meantime, I must sadly report that my attempt to slay the sleigh driving freak, Mr. Claus, has once again failed.

Though my plan this year seemed flawless, I made the mistake of ignoring a large, stinky, dim-witted, orange monkey wrench that got thrown in the works.

This being the ninth Christmas of my reign, Santa has understandably become somewhat cautious during his annual visit to my Kingdom. He generally sends out several "recon elves" to scout my Kingdom ahead of time. Fortunately, I was able capture and eat two of the three before they could report back to Santa. Jaq captured the other one. She has renamed him "Betty" and has imprisoned it in the nativity scene. She promises to feed and clean up after it if I allow her to keep it.

Back to my plan......I decided to disguise Ivan as a plate of cookies. I have often heard that Santa cannot resist cookies and figured that if I could lure him close enough to Ivan, Ivan's natural instinct to attack anything red, white and fluffy should spell the demise of the irritatingly cheerful two legger.

While Ivan was sleeping under the tree thingy, I commandeered a couple of cookies from an unattended plate next to the two legger's bed. I then went to the bathroom where I procured a few pieces of dental floss. Using the dental floss, I tied one cookie to the base of Ivan's tail and the other to that large flat area above his shoulders commonly known as his head.

All went as planned. I watched from my vantage point on top of the refrigerator as the cookie-adorned Ivan lay dreaming the dreams of the witless. Right on schedule, Santa crept into the house. He snuck warily through the living room and approached the tree thingy. True to form, he became distracted by the cookies and reached down to snatch the one on Sleeping Booby's head. To his surprise, he found that the cookie in question was firmly affixed to the top of a suddenly awakened ball of anger and confusion.

Ivan for his part, found himself awakened by a great fat two legger attempting to steal a cookie that he had no idea he possessed. Just as I had anticipated, Ivan flew into a fury and attacked the cookie burglar that had materialized above him.

Everything was going exactly as planned. Ornaments were flying, Santa was screaming, I was dancing on top of the refrigerator in glee. Over in the Nativity, even "Betty" was rolling in laughter.

However, just as I was beginning to congratulate myself, Ivan noticed the other cookie. With Ivan's physique, a cookie tied to the base of his tail, though it appears to be tantalizingly close and within easy reach, might as well be in another dimension.

He broke off his assault of Santa and began chasing his own hindquarters. In ever-tightening circles, Ivan went round and round. This allowed the Fat One to drop the presents and escape without further injury. I was about to pursue him, but the commotion had awakened the two leggers and I was forced to assume my "innocent widdle kitty cat" position.

The two leggers, seeing the aftermath and used to Ivan's strange ways, assumed that Ivan had somehow gotten himself tangled in dental floss and cookies (again) and didn't even give me a second glance.

So in spite of my best efforts, Santa still lives. Oh well, there's always next year.

Next year, Santa......Next year.

I would like to extend a very merry Christmas to all of my friends, minions and followers from me and my entire Kingdom. I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday and a blessed New Year.