The Clawedfather

Most of you are aware that my male two legger enjoys nothing more than watching really poorly made science fiction movies. I have mocked him at length on FaceBook and in my fan club.

What you may not be aware of, is that he is also a huge fan of "The Godfather Saga". Unlike bad science fiction, he does not watch "The Godfather" movies to mock them, he watches them because he believes them to be perhaps the best examples of American cinema ever produced.

Once or twice a year, something snaps in his head thingy and he decides that it is time for "Godfather Weekend".

A "Godfather Weekend" involves the female cooking up a large pot of spaghetti, the consumption of several bottles of red wine, watching all three "Godfather" movies back-to-back, and the male incessantly speaking in what he believes is an authentic Sicilian accent, but actually sounds more like a drunken Irish sailor who is trying to speak German after watching a French movie that is subtitled in Japanese.

During previous Godfather weekends, I have taken the opportunity to catch up on some sleep and left orders with Ivan to wake me when it was over.

However this time I decided in the spirit of intellectual curiosity, that I would watch these movies and perhaps discover the reason for the male's fascination with them.

Well, perhaps "intellectual curiosity" is too strong a term. Actually, it was really just a cold weekend and the firebox thingy was blazing in the same room that the two leggers were watching the movies. So I decided to observe.

I must admit that I am impressed.

The story revolves around a family of two leggers that build a criminal empire by using extortion, coercion, larceny, smuggling, assault, murder and many other illegal activities. Not only that, they convince other minion types to perform these illegal acts for them, thereby keeping their paws clean and not open to prosecution.

I respect that.

In fact, I respect it so much, I have decided to restructure my Kingdom to emulate Don Corleone's example.

From now on, I will be known as Don Cujo Felini.

Today, I sent my consigliere, Ivan the Chomp, to make the two leggers an offer they can't refuse. He told them, and I quote: "The Boss wants tuna tonight. You don't give him tuna, and mebbe your lamp don't feel so good in the morning. Capiche?" He also hacked up a hairball in the female's boot just to let them know that I'm serious.

Don Vito has taught me much. He says at one point: "Keep your friends close, your enemies even closer." Taking his advice to heart, I sent Jaq the Canary to offer a peace treaty thingy to Don Nutmuncher of the Squirrel Cartel. I have offered him Tiger Lily's head as a sign of my sincerity. They have yet to respond to my offer, but I have it on good authority that they hate whining even more than I, so I am optimistic. Once we are "friends", I will invite them into my home in the spirit of fellowship and cooperation. Perhaps once we pool our resources, my brains and muscle and their marvelously agile little hands, we can accomplish great things together.

Nah, who am I kidding?

I'm gonna whack them.