Many of my loyal readers have made the suggestion that I throw in my hat thingy in the upcoming Presidential Election.
I have always been somewhat reluctant to discuss my opinions regarding politics and politicians. In my kingdom, political opinion is neither valued nor tolerated. (Unless of course, it's MY opinion)
Never let it be said that I do not listen to and consider all that my followers suggest.
Yesterday, I decided to form a Presidential Campaign Exploratory Committee. This committee consisted of Ivan, Tiger Lily and the newly appointed bathroom spider.
I tasked the PCEC with assessing my chances of winning the Presidency on the basis of the following criteria:
1. Can I win?
2. Will it amuse me?
3. Will it benefit me in any way?
4. Will my leadership benefit my country?
5. Do I care?
6. Will it interrupt my naptime?
7. Can I order all squirrel thingies to be declared traitors and summarily executed?
I gave them three hours to do their research and submit a report. This is what they came up with:
On the first point, they decided that given the comparative caliber of the competition, (say that three times fast) the answer is a resounding "Yup".
Will it amuse me? Absolutely. The White House, (my potential new home) contains tons of totally unsullied and unshredded furniture. It has room upon room of totally intact priceless knick knocks just waiting for my "touch". Ivan also discovered the fact that Washington DC also happens to contain the densest population of rat thingies in the entire universe.
Will it benefit me in any way? I will have a staff of two leggers totally committed to feeding and protecting me even if it places their own lives in mortal peril. I already have that, so it's a draw.
Will my leadership benefit my country? Duh.
Do I care? Ummm, no.
Will it interrupt my naptime? My committee was split on this one. Ivan said "Yes". Tiger Lily said "Which nap? All you do is nap." The newly appointed bathroom spider said "MRRRPPHHH!!" Due to the fact that he was in the process of being eaten by Ivan. I excused the newly appointed bathroom spider from further contributions to this discussion. I then smacked Tiger Lily in a very potential presidential manner.
Can I order all squirrel thingies declared traitors and summarily executed? Apparently that would require an unnatural act of Congress.
Unfortunately, Tiger Lily did come up with one potential obstacle to my quest for the Presidency.
You see, my friends, the People of America seem to frown on candidates that have skeletons in their closets.
Alas, I have many skeletons in my closet, as well as a couple under the entertainment center, one under the fridge thingy and a partially buried one in the royal litterbox.
So for now, I must conclude that any Presidential candidacy on my part would be ill-advised.
However, I still plan on becoming Supreme Universal Cosmic Royal and Most Bodacious Dictator For Life.
Be afraid, squirrel thingies, be very afraid.