Field of Snores

The male two legger is excited. This annoys me. What has him so excited? Baseball. Apparently "his" team is doing well. The success of his team causes him to jump and shout at unexpected intervals. Since I don't understand two legger sports, I decided to first observe, and then if I deem it worthy, suggest improvements.

When I first heard the two leggers discussing baseball, I actually found myself becoming interested. They spoke of bats, flies, balls, running home, and most intriguing of all: "fowl balls". I thought it might be some sort of culinary competition. However, I was mistaken.

After careful observation of a game on the talking box thingy, I can safely say that two leggers who watch sports develop a completely different lexicon. For instance:

Bat- A large wooden club, not a flying mousie thingie.

Balls- Ok, they are pretty much round objects, made to be thrown and chased. However, it also means a poorly thrown,.....well.....ball.

Running home- No, they don't leave the park and go to their house, they run between four white things, returning to the white thing they started at. Very confusing.

Fowl balls- Well, I totally misunderstood both the meaning and spelling of this term. Apparently avian anatomy has nothing to do with this sport. (See also "Fly balls")

Now to say that the logic of this sport escapes me would be a massive understatement. At first glance it appeared that the man holding the ball (or pitcher) was trying to hit the guy holding the bat. (batter) The batter then attempts to fend off the ball with the big wooden club while simultaneously trying to drive the ball back at one of the two leggers standing behind the pitcher. After hitting the ball, the batter then drops the bat and runs to one of the white things as the other two leggers try to tag him with the ball. ( If he just kept the bat with him, I bet the other two leggers would stop trying to tag him.)

However, upon further observation, I realized that the pitcher was actually trying to miss the batter, but only by a little bit. And the batter was actually trying to hit the ball AWAY from the other players. After watching for about a half hour, I realized that there would be little or no bloodshed involved and decided that somewhere there was paint drying that was in need of watching.

Other than allowing all the players to carry bats at all times, I have no suggestions for making this sport more interesting.

In short, I've come to this realization about two leggers: Two legger sports are nothing but excuses to shirk their duties and drink beer. I guarantee that if they televised me stalking and slapping Tiger Lily, some two legged male would grab a six pack, forget his lawn, and spend four hours a day on a couch yelling about how in his day he coulda slapped her better.

Perhaps they'll give me my own channel.