****** This is Cujo's male two legger, or as he liked to call me "The Male Two Legger". While doing some cleaning today, I found an envelope under Cujo's toy box. It was addressed to "All Minions" and per his enclosed orders, I am sharing it with you now...........******
Dear Minions,
If you are reading this, one of two things have happened:
1. I have crossed The Bridge.
2. The Male has finally dusted under The Royal Toy Box.
Given the Male's cleaning habits, my money is on the former and not the latter.
So I have passed on. Right now I am either in Heaven, frolicking with those who have gone before me, knocking over holy chalices, shredding ethereal curtains and scratching up the arms of the Heavenly throne, or if I was sent "South" I am in upper management and teaching the demons of the Lower Levels a few new tricks. Personally, I believe that St. Peter let me in (after several minutes of slinking around the door frame, of course).
Even though I am gone, I am sure that I am still watching. It has become too much of a habit for me to stop now.
Now I'd like to address some of my closest minions:
Ivan, though dim-witted and stinky, you were my closest friend, ally and "partner in grime". Though our dust bunny hunting days are now over, I hope that occasionally when you have your weekly thought, it may be of me. I shall save you a spot on the Heavenly Bathroom Floor and I will make sure that there are no Socks In Unexpected Places (SUIPs) to startle you.
Tiger Lily, we have often had our......ummmm......"differences", but without the daily smacking practice you afforded me, I could not have been half the benevolent dictator that I was. Your service to my Kingdom has been invaluable. I assure you that when you cross The Bridge, I will be waiting with the Royal Smacking Paw holstered and benign. We shall embrace as friends as I welcome you to your new home (unless you whine, then I'll totally have to smack you).
Jaq, you crazy little thingy. You are The Queen now. I leave my Kingdom to you. I do not do this lightly. However, you are the only one in my Kingdom that has just the right mixture of brains, smacking paw, wiliness, ruthlessness, larceny and incipient insanity to rule in my stead. I trust that you will reign long and wisely. Though Ivan is larger and stronger than you, remember my philosophy: "If you can't beat him, confuse him". Oh, and give Tiger Lily a smack once in a while, otherwise she tends to get surly.
My Female Two Legger, you are the conscience of my Kingdom. You attempted to keep my ego in check (the only thing you've ever failed at), you gave me cuddles when I deserved it, and even when I didn't deserve it. Admittedly, I seldom deserved it. Though I destroyed most of your best knock knacks, you never bore a grudge. I broke your wine glasses and you still offered me a scratch behind the ears. I was the reason you could never have nice thingies, and you loved me anyway. Your voice raised in chastisement was always such music to my ears. I shall await you at The Gates with my tail straight in the air and my purr engine already pre-warmed. But take your time, The Male needs you now more than ever.
The Male Two Legger.....you have been my scribe and my punching bag. You have been the recipient of the consequences of many of my misadventures. I have made you bleed, scream and stomp your feet in joy at my antics. When I first chose you, you were tall, proud and well-coiffed. You are now slump-shouldered, beaten, balding and gray. You are welcome. However, no matter how much I abused you, when you thought that I wasn't looking, I would glimpse that slight grin that you would show as I strutted away from my latest scene of mayhem. Your lap was always my preferred napping spot.
Especially when I knew that your bladder was full.
To all my other minions, fans and friends, please know that I will continue to watch over you. I will know when you are sleeping, I will know when you are awake. I will know when you've been good, and I'll know when you've been bad (good on ya!). Think of me as a furry little, bi-colored Santy Claws without the red suit, deer thingies and questionable "reward for good behavior" system.
My tenure as the Universal Dictator of All Universes (known and unknown) Grand Poobah of The World Thingy, Benevolent Dictator and Smacker of All Things Whiny may be at an end, but please know that you all have made my reign a most amusing experience.
This will be my final post. However, my third book has been written and hidden somewhere in my Kingdom. I have left instructions with the male that he is to publish it when he finds it.
It should keep him cleaning for a month or two.
It is my wish that though my personal FaceBook profile will be "memorialized", the Fan Club will continue to be a place where people who love animals and humor may gather and post stuff that amuses them. The creation of a place where so many people gather without hissing and spitting is my proudest achievement and legacy.
Farewell my dear minions.
Someday we shall meet again.
Buh-bye
Dear Minions,
If you are reading this, one of two things have happened:
1. I have crossed The Bridge.
2. The Male has finally dusted under The Royal Toy Box.
Given the Male's cleaning habits, my money is on the former and not the latter.
So I have passed on. Right now I am either in Heaven, frolicking with those who have gone before me, knocking over holy chalices, shredding ethereal curtains and scratching up the arms of the Heavenly throne, or if I was sent "South" I am in upper management and teaching the demons of the Lower Levels a few new tricks. Personally, I believe that St. Peter let me in (after several minutes of slinking around the door frame, of course).
Even though I am gone, I am sure that I am still watching. It has become too much of a habit for me to stop now.
Now I'd like to address some of my closest minions:
Ivan, though dim-witted and stinky, you were my closest friend, ally and "partner in grime". Though our dust bunny hunting days are now over, I hope that occasionally when you have your weekly thought, it may be of me. I shall save you a spot on the Heavenly Bathroom Floor and I will make sure that there are no Socks In Unexpected Places (SUIPs) to startle you.
Tiger Lily, we have often had our......ummmm......"differences", but without the daily smacking practice you afforded me, I could not have been half the benevolent dictator that I was. Your service to my Kingdom has been invaluable. I assure you that when you cross The Bridge, I will be waiting with the Royal Smacking Paw holstered and benign. We shall embrace as friends as I welcome you to your new home (unless you whine, then I'll totally have to smack you).
Jaq, you crazy little thingy. You are The Queen now. I leave my Kingdom to you. I do not do this lightly. However, you are the only one in my Kingdom that has just the right mixture of brains, smacking paw, wiliness, ruthlessness, larceny and incipient insanity to rule in my stead. I trust that you will reign long and wisely. Though Ivan is larger and stronger than you, remember my philosophy: "If you can't beat him, confuse him". Oh, and give Tiger Lily a smack once in a while, otherwise she tends to get surly.
My Female Two Legger, you are the conscience of my Kingdom. You attempted to keep my ego in check (the only thing you've ever failed at), you gave me cuddles when I deserved it, and even when I didn't deserve it. Admittedly, I seldom deserved it. Though I destroyed most of your best knock knacks, you never bore a grudge. I broke your wine glasses and you still offered me a scratch behind the ears. I was the reason you could never have nice thingies, and you loved me anyway. Your voice raised in chastisement was always such music to my ears. I shall await you at The Gates with my tail straight in the air and my purr engine already pre-warmed. But take your time, The Male needs you now more than ever.
The Male Two Legger.....you have been my scribe and my punching bag. You have been the recipient of the consequences of many of my misadventures. I have made you bleed, scream and stomp your feet in joy at my antics. When I first chose you, you were tall, proud and well-coiffed. You are now slump-shouldered, beaten, balding and gray. You are welcome. However, no matter how much I abused you, when you thought that I wasn't looking, I would glimpse that slight grin that you would show as I strutted away from my latest scene of mayhem. Your lap was always my preferred napping spot.
Especially when I knew that your bladder was full.
To all my other minions, fans and friends, please know that I will continue to watch over you. I will know when you are sleeping, I will know when you are awake. I will know when you've been good, and I'll know when you've been bad (good on ya!). Think of me as a furry little, bi-colored Santy Claws without the red suit, deer thingies and questionable "reward for good behavior" system.
My tenure as the Universal Dictator of All Universes (known and unknown) Grand Poobah of The World Thingy, Benevolent Dictator and Smacker of All Things Whiny may be at an end, but please know that you all have made my reign a most amusing experience.
This will be my final post. However, my third book has been written and hidden somewhere in my Kingdom. I have left instructions with the male that he is to publish it when he finds it.
It should keep him cleaning for a month or two.
It is my wish that though my personal FaceBook profile will be "memorialized", the Fan Club will continue to be a place where people who love animals and humor may gather and post stuff that amuses them. The creation of a place where so many people gather without hissing and spitting is my proudest achievement and legacy.
Farewell my dear minions.
Someday we shall meet again.
Buh-bye
