Saturday, October 31, 2015

The Hunted House

I was afraid that this Halloween is going to be somewhat uneventful.

Apparently word has gotten out to all the little candy beggars that my Kingdom is to be avoided. Someone has been spreading nasty little rumors that there is a tyrannical little tuxedo cat that enjoys spending Halloween terrifying anyone that dares to darken his doorway. They have come to believe that every Halloween, I revel in causing fear and chaos among all who visit my abode.

These rumors are simply not true. They are completely false and I take great offense.

I revel in causing fear and chaos all year long.

Whether deserved or not, it seems that my house has been deemed "The House All Adolescents Fear". (THAAF) Every community has one. In every neighborhood, there is that one house that kids will only visit on a dare. That one place that joggers jog past a little faster. The THAAF usually has some sort of  horrifying urban legend attached to it. A two legger killed his family there, a hermit hid his treasure there, it was built on a sacred burial ground, Justin Bieber once threw a disco pajama party.......the list is long and varied. Every THAAF has odd noises that occur during moonless nights. Noises that sound like creaking boards, crying children, screams, doors swinging on rusty hinges, whispering, fluttering, various K.C. and The Sunshine Band songs. Often, strange lights and shadows can be glimpsed in darkened windows.

Only recently has it been brought to my attention that my Kingdom has been fulfilling the role of the local THAAF. Someone of lesser mettle may have taken exception to this distinction. They may have tried to dispel the reputation by doing good deeds and attempting to ingratiate themselves to the neighborhood. However, this is not my way. Why would I wish alleviate their fears, thus inviting the sugar-seeking little fiends to disturb my binge watching of early Stephen Kings movies?

No, I fully intend to confirm their fears and if possible, reinforce them with bigger and better fears.

It may even amuse me.........

Now you may wonder how, if no one dares approach my door, can I possibly accomplish this?

Simple.

Every year since my house was declared THAAF, a handful of adolescent two leggers will gather at the end of my driveway. They will mill about until darkness falls and then in an ill-conceived fit of sugar-induced bravado and candy corn driven delirium, they will bow to peer pressure and approach my door. I observe all this unseen from my hidden vantage point in the houseplant that sits in the bay window.

Like a great jungle cat I lay in wait as the pimpled posse approaches...........

Knees knocking, teeth chattering, too terrified to meet his doom, but even more scared of facing the ridicule of his fellow miscreants, the leader of the pocked pack finally draws enough courage to place a trembling finger upon my doorbell.

Now at this point I could simply leap out in a black and white ball of hissing, tearing, bowel-loosening death, but that's rather amateurish and beneath my high standards.

No, that won't do at all.

Instead, I bide my time and wait.

Patience always pays great dividends.

Just as the the gangly group is about to leave, the male two legger, apparently unintentionally dressed as Frankenstien's Monster after a bender in Vegas, approaches the door. As he opens the door to hand out the candy that he bought for just such an occasion, I make my move. pouncing from the houseplant, and using every god-given pointy implement at my disposal, I begin to mercilessly ravish his bare ankles. In a total shred fest, I bite, rip and tear at any exposed flesh within reach.

As the two legger opened the door thingy, the trembling teens suddenly beheld not a kindly gentleman handing out candy, but instead they were treated to the vision of a large, disheveled and mustached male yelling incoherently "WHATDAWHATDAOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!"

My driveway is approximately 50 meters long. The World Record thingy for the fastest 50 meter dash is 4.98 seconds.

Tonight that record may have fallen.

I believe that our reputation as the local THAAF is now secure forever more.

Have a safe and happy Halloween!

5 comments:

  1. Bender in Vegas...hahaha!
    I am glad you were able to have some fun this HOWLoween ComMonster Cujo!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. We don't celebwate. Have a gweat day.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Lexi

    ReplyDelete