Tuesday, April 7, 2015

The Blubbering Bubba

Ivan has been quite depressed of late.

It seems that he and the Giant Stuffed Bunny have ended their relationship.

It was the Giant Stuffed Bunny's idea...

After six and a half years, GSB decided that she and Ivan have grown apart. He has let himself go, and he just doesn't stimulate her intellectually anymore. I suspect that there may be another factor in her decision as well. Recently, while cleaning out some closets, the two leggers discovered an Annoying Stuffed Panda. They placed it on the bed in the guest bedroom next to GSB. Laying next to each other day after day, I suppose it was only a matter of time before ASP and GSB developed a friendship. Soon, friendship turned to romance and you can imagine the rest.

Ivan attempted to avert the inevitable outcome. From the start, he was extremely jealous of the bi-colored bear. Late at night, Ivan would sneak up to the ASP and whisper in its ear "You'd better keep your beady eyes off my gurl". But the ASP refused to avert its lifeless gaze.

One afternoon, while the two leggers were away, Ivan leaped upon the bed and smacked the ASP, dashing it to the floor. The two leggers upon discovering the ASP, placed it back into its former position. Later that same evening, whilst the two leggers slumbered, Ivan stalked into the bedroom and in a jealous rage, attacked the ASP. In a flurry of gnashing teeth, slashing claws and hissing mayhem, Ivan ripped, bit and tore the interloper into a mass of fluffy stuffing and frayed thread.

Yet even after this most vicious and utterly barbaric assault, the ASP continued in his unfaltering wooing of the GSB.  He lay there next to her, ever gazing. Granted, he only had one eye left, both arms lay scattered across the comforter, his fluffy white innards strewn about the bed like a miniature blizzard and I seem to recall that his nose was relocated to the windowsill. And still he gazed on.

The next morning, as Ivan napped, the two leggers discovered the carnage and decided that the guest bedroom was obviously a very unhealthy environment for large, stuffed critters. They placed both GSB and the remains of ASP into a cardboard box and removed them from my house.

When Ivan awoke, he discovered both of them gone. He asked me what happened?

Now, I realize that I could have told him the truth, that the two leggers had removed them. However, as Ivan's best friend, I decided that perhaps a small fiction was in order.

"They eloped", I said.

"Huh?" Asked Ivan in his normal state of confusion.

"They embarked upon a romantic rendezvous with licentious intentions" I explained.

"What?"

"They hooked up and skedaddled."

"Oh."

So, for the last four days, Ivan has been constantly wandering the house singing his song of woe. "MROW, MROW, MROW.........MROW, MROW, MROW.....MROW, MROW, MROW"

The only time he stops is when he is eating......or napping.....or using the litterbox.....or stalking a Q-tip......or chewing a sock.....or licking the bath tub.....or chasing the dead moth.......or menacing a hand towel.....or meditating on the geo-political environment in the Upper Sudan (just checking to see if you're still paying attention).

So when I say that he is "constantly wandering the house singing his song of woe", what I mean is that for approximately 30 seconds every day, Ivan seems depressed.

But do not worry for the big lug. He will recover. His heart will rebound.

In fact, I have it on good authority that he has been spending an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom and the rubber ducky is looking nervous.

6 comments:

  1. Poor Ivan, he was himself the master of his loss! I think you did the right thing, but what if he reads this blog? Have you a Reserve GSD?

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    1. No worries. Ivan is literally illiterate :)

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  2. LOL! Where did the 2 leggers send the Bunny and her new mate for their Honeymoon?

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  3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Or is it out of sight, out of mind? From the sounds of it, Ivan appears to be of the latter camp.

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