Dr. Cujo and Mr. Hyde

To be honest, since my health crisis has passed, I had not intended to speak of it again. However, there has been a side affect of my treatment that I am finding quite amusing.

Ivan.

You see, a large part of my long-term care is something called "Subcutaneous Fluid Therapy". Every other day, my two leggers and I retire to the bathroom. They place me on The Royal Heating Pad Thingy (RHPT) and then stick a needle in my shoulder. For the next five minutes or so, while the two leggers caress me, and tell me what a brave and good kitty I am, warmed fluid flows into my shoulder.

To say this is annoying would be tantamount to calling the ocean "moist".

That being said, I have been able to distill some amusement from this wretchedly ignominious routine.

Once the fluids are administered, I am left with a large, squishy lump on my back. Over the next few hours, gravity (normally a friendly force that causes vases to break) pulls the lump slowly down my side and allows it to settle in a floppy, sloshy mass in my upper foreleg where it slowly dissipates within an hour or five.

Still not seeing the amusing part? Allow me to set the stage.........

Before each treatment, Ivan is physically extricated from his usual nappy spot on the bathroom floor. He is unceremoniously flung into the next room where he lands on the two legger's bed. Upon landing, he sits for a moment in dazed confusion trying to figure out how he got there before curling up and resuming his 39 hour nap. My two leggers and I then spend the next five minutes in the bathroom while they "water the cat".

With the fluids duly administered and the bleeding (theirs, not mine) staunched, we all emerge from the bathroom. I immediately stalk up to Ivan and smack him into wakefulness because once again, he is napping in my spot.

On a side note, Ivan does not nap in the same spot every time, but I guarantee that wherever Ivan happens to be napping when I emerge from the bathroom in a surly mood, he is sure to be in "my spot".

Upon being smacked, Ivan takes one look at me, poofs and bolts from the room

The first time this happened, I admit to being somewhat perplexed by his reaction. But after taking one look in the mirror thingy, it all began to make sense.

Ivan has awoken to behold a transformed Cujo. Gone is the ridiculously handsome, happy-go-lucky tuxie that is his boon companion and partner in crime. Instead he is facing a cat that though roughly resembling me, has morphed into a disheveled, lumpy and sloshy hellbeast who happens to be in a particularly foul mood.

The sudden appearance of such an apparition is further exaggerated by the fact that Ivan stayed up late the other night watching an old horror movie with the male two legger.

The movie in question happened to be none other than "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde".

For those of you unfamiliar with the movie, it is the story of a harmless, mild-mannered two legger that for some ill-advised reason decides to drink something he cooked up in a lab (Listen up two leggers! Stop drinking stuff you find in laboratories. It never ends well). This formula transforms the wimpy doctor into a murderous monster thingy that inflicts death and destruction upon everyone he meets.

So, let us climb into Ivan's tiny little brain for a moment: The two leggers take me into the bathroom where they have hung several items of medical paraphernalia. Five minutes later I emerge completely changed in both mind and body. Though the distance between Ivan's two remaining brain cells is great, somehow they have made the connection between the movie and my medical regime.

Now a caring, loving friend would do everything within their power to alleviate Ivan's fear.

Yeah, right. Somehow I just don't see myself passing this one up.

Since my discovery, I have been giving Ivan the full-on Mr. Hyde treatment. I chase him through the house in a most freakishly crazy manner, foaming at the mouth and shouting the lyrics to early Lady GaGa songs.

Now I know many of you will berate me for once again abusing the poor, loveable lug. But trust me, my motives are purely selfless. I do it for Ivan's own good.

Since my treatments started, he's lost almost two pounds.