Thursday, January 1, 2015

A Midnight Smack

I profess to having absolutely no phobias.

There is nothing upon this earth that truly scares me.

Don't get me wrong, there are things that I am careful to avoid. A healthy respect for self-preservation is no weakness; large rabid dog thingies, live electrical wires and Ivan after "Burrito Night" come to mind. However, I can think of nothing that really gives me a case of the heebie-jeebies.

That being said, if there was one thing that can be said to worry me, it would be the fear of being accused of being predictable or taken for granted.

Everyone who has read my blog or book thingies knows that one of the great joys in my life is that of smacking. I can think of few things that give me greater pleasure than smacking Tiger Lily. I confess that the feeling of my paw connecting with her unnaturally large face after an unjustified whine just fills my stony heart with happiness. But what you may not be aware of is the fact that unlike most felines, I am capable of embracing change.

If I spent all my days simply waiting around for Tiger Lily to whine, I (and my readers) would soon become listless and bored. Therefore, I make a conscious effort to mix things up on occasion.

So in the interest of keeping things fresh, I have embarked on a new campaign.

I will no longer smack Tiger Lily whenever she whines.

I now smack her at other times too.

I have also found new and inventive methods for deploying The Mighty Smacking Paw:

 There is "The Bushsmack". Simple but effective, I hide in the artificial plant (Plasticus Verbanium) in the hallway. As she walks by on her constant quest for something to complain about, I rustle one of the branches as thought there might be a mouse thingy attempting to hide. When she goes to investigate, she is met with a swipe that rattles her noggin and sends her into hiding.

"The Hammer 'O The Hamper" takes advantage of her predilection to rolling in dirty laundry. This requires both skill and timing. She has grown somewhat wary of late and has taken to approaching anything that may contain a small tuxedo cat with great care and caution. The other day I noticed that as she approached the half-filled hamper, she approached it slowly. Examining every lump and fold carefully before abandoning herself to full blown laundry lolling.. What she failed to examine was the cabinet that sits about four tailspans above the aforementioned hamper. Had she looked up, she would have beheld a black and white feline awaiting his moment of glory. As soon as she was fully involved in rolling around amongst the two legger's dirty delicates, I dropped upon her like a coconut nailing a native. Do not worry, though I fell from a great height, between the laundry and a very startled and slightly chubby gray tabby cat, my fall was broken and I suffered no ill effects.

But my favorite technique has to be "The Pillow Fight". Tiger Lily spends most evenings perched upon the pillow behind the female two legger's head thingy.  This requires my utmost stalking skills combined with healthy doses of sneakiness and subterfuge.

I slink into the bedroom, moving from shadow to shadow. While the female is distracted by her iPad thingy, I sneak under the bed, quietly crawling until I am between the wall and the headboard. In a flash, I reach over the headboard and pop Tiger Lily square in the brain pan. With a mighty yowl she bolts from the bed (leaving massive scratches across the shoulders of the female). When performed correctly, this results in the female banishing Tiger Lily from the bedroom for the rest of the evening as well as leaving Yours Truly undetected beneath the bed.

 All is now right in my Kingdom.

I believe I am now safe from any accusations of predictability.     

I hope everyone has a very happy and blessed New Year filled with amusement and mayhem!


  1. LOL! The artificial plant (Plasticus Verbanium)!
    Happy New Year to you too ComMonster Cujo! Did you make any resolutions?

  2. Happy New Year Cujo (and to your two-leggers too!)

    Poor Tiger Lily, she never knows what hit her, MOL

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

  3. Gosh Cujo, you sure do have the smackin' down to a science. You could give lessons! Smacky-paw 101 sounds like a great course, for sure.


  4. very informative post for me as I am always looking for new content that can help me and my knowledge grow better.