The Wrongest Yard

Last night I visited my Outer Kingdom.

At first, I had planned to give a brief summary of my adventure, but upon further consideration I decided that the only way to convey the true spirit of my idyll was in verse.

And anyway, it's been a while since I subjected my minions to the pure, unadulterated torture that is my poetry.

Those of you with a weak literary stomach may wish to look away now.

Beyond The Sliding Door Thingy  

Beyond the sliding door thingy  

Is the place I've longed to go.

No matter the weather there,

Be it wind or rain or snow.

I've spent many hours staring

through the cold, rain-speckled glass,

Standing motionless like a statue,

Or sitting on my perfect.......tail.

Last night as I stood my vigil,

There erupted a ruckus upon my deck.

The male two legger rushed over

And exclaimed "What the heck?"

He didn't even notice me.

He spared me not a glance.

And as he opened the outer screen,

I finally saw my chance.

Tiger Lily guessed my plan.

She whined "You better not!"

So I gave her a goodbye smack

As I snuck out through the slot.

Jaq's soft voice followed

Singing the theme from "Born Free".

Ivan was in the bathroom

Playing checkers with a flea.

Unnoticed by the two leggers

I slipped into the night.

An avenging nocturnal spirit

Dressed in black and white.

I set for the bird feeders.

A predator seeking prey.

But before I could catch one,

The birds all flew away.

No big deal, I thought.

It's the squirrel I truly seek.

I'll find him and stalk him,

And slay the furry freak.

 

 But alas, it was not to be.

The vermin alas had fled.

He was probably playing with his nuts

Up in his tree-bound bed.

I shall inspect the ferals!

The strays that haunt my lawns.

I would show them my noblesse,

The King would greet the pawns.

I approached Inky and Sheba,

They sat there looking bored.

But perhaps they were simply stunned,

By the presence of their lord.

I said "Bow to me wild minions!"

"For I have come to thee!"

But Inky just leaned to Sheba

And whispered, "Who is he?"

"He's that maniacal little tuxie"  

Said Sheba to her kitten.
"You've seen him in the windows,
Smacking the glass, a-hissin and a-spittin"

Obviously, they are in error.
Perhaps, they are misled.
Or perhaps due to their rough living,
They are damaged in the head.

Whatever the cause
Of this gross misapprehension,
I decided to leave them
and thus relieve the tension.

It was time to go back home.
To end my Royal Field Trip.
Now to figure out a way,
Into my house to slip.

I only had to wait a short time
Before they realized I was missing.
For the house was too quiet.
No sounds of fighting and hissing.

Whenever things get peaceful,
The two leggers soon grow wary.
They know that something's amiss
And find my silence scary.

So after a brief search
They realized where I'd gone.
They opened the slider
And I walked in with a carefree yawn.

So now I am returned.

Bearing gifts I am back.
I gave Ivan an old pine cone.
And Tiger Lily a smack.