Thursday, January 9, 2014

A Tiger Lily By The Tail

When I started this blog thingy over three years ago, I promised you one thing.

Honesty.

Complete, total, unadulterated honesty.

I tell you my thoughts. I tell you my ambitions. I tell you about the chaos and mayhem I cause on a daily basis in a completely open and unvarnished manner.

However, when one is as open as I am, one opens themselves up to criticism.

By far, the most consistent criticism I have received is in regards to my treatment of a certain whiny gray tabby known as Tiger Lily. Apparently, Whiny The Pooh has many admirers among those who follow my blog thingy. Whiny McWhinington has developed quite the fan base. The Queen of Complaint has become quite popular.

Though I find them as annoying as an unknocked knock knack, I read each and every critique I receive.

After having pondered the criticism and spending several minutes analyzing my own behavior in regards to Madame Monochrome, I have reached the conclusion that my treatment of The Gray Ghoul has been somewhat lacking.

She deserves better.

I don't terrorize her nearly enough. 

Oh sure, smacking her is both fun and gratifying, but I feel that lately I have been just "phoning it in". I need to add some variety to her abuse.

So, I am determined to correct this shortcoming.

So today I set out to mix it up a bit. As soon as the two leggers left this morning, I implemented my plan. I began with a basic intimidation strategy. Wherever she went, I was there. If she attempted to eat, I suddenly got hungry. If she tried to drink, I was instantly parched. Wherever she chose to nap, I decided that I was tired and she was in my spot.

I drew the line at following her into the litter box. However, that didn't stop me from slapping the hood of the litter box while she was using it.

After several hours of this non-contact terrorism, the two leggers returned home. Tiger Lily of course immediately launched into reporting to them every single act of intimidation I had incurred upon her during the day. For an entire hour, she regaled them with all my activities. They very quickly tired of her whining and banished her to the living room.

Where I happened to be.......

Whenever one of the two leggers would come out to check on us, they would find me sitting right next to her, staring at her while she whined about me sitting right next to her, staring at her.

Finally, the male was fed up with the constant complaining. He came out yelled "CUJO! Can't you shut her up?"

Now I have a quandary. It goes completely against my morals and philosophy to do anything that would please the two leggers. On the other paw, I really wanted to smack her.

In the end, I smacked her so hard that she tumbled across the couch and knocked over the lamp on the end table, causing it to fall and break the bulb thingy.

Mission accomplished on both counts.

Anyone got a problem with that?

3 comments:

  1. LOL!! I was especially amused by this: "Tiger Lily of course immediately launched into reporting to them every single act of intimidation I had incurred upon her during the day. For an entire hour, she regaled them with all my activities."
    This should be put into a cartoon format replete w/dialog bubbles!!

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  2. Cujo! Your rock! Once again, coffee has come out my Mommy's nose - (although she did spray some on the monitor). Mes would LOVES to do that to Jo-Jo! Thanks buddy!
    Kisses
    Nellie

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  3. Hey, I have a quick question I wanted to ask you about your blog, do you think you could send me an email when you get this? Thanks! Tiffany
    tpham(at)dropcam(dot)com

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