More Than Word Thingies Can Say

When I first started my blog thingy, almost three years ago, one of my stated purposes was to educate my minions. One post in particular was aimed at teaching two leggers feline body language (see Body Language). However, I realize that I have been woefully neglectful about the other side of the coin thingy. I realize that many of my four legged followers may remain in the dark about how to read their two legger's non-verbal communication. So in order to rectify this, I will now enlighten you.

Two leggers engage in various forms of non-verbal communication. Not only do they employ a wide variety of grunts, snorts, looks and gestures, one can also tell much by simply observing their posture or "body language". Due to the fact that most of them are severely lacking in the tail department, they are somewhat handicapped when it comes to silently conveying their moods. However, by following a few simple guidelines, you should be able to read them and react accordingly.

The first rule of reading the two leggers is to be aware that any gesture or sound made before 8AM is invariably a request for coffee or is at least in someway related to the procurement of coffee. I highly recommend that they be avoided at all costs until they have been properly dosed and mollified. Not only can they turn vicious, but their communications make absolutely no sense and will only serve to confuse the rational mind. Now I am not implying that they should not be messed with from time to time, but you must use caution when causing pre-caffeinated chaos and ensure that you can neither be blamed nor caught. I have found that forgiveness is much more easily attained after their second cup of joe.

Sounds  

Two leggers make several sounds that do not fall into the category of verbiage. I list a few here in order to illustrate my point:

"thnik-thnik-thnik"- This is a sound they make in an attempt to attract your attention. It can be used for a variety of reasons ranging from "I want a cat on my lap", "Down in front!" or "I need you to look at this picture takey thingy so I can plaster your handsome face all over the FaceBook".

"Boooof!"- This is an exclamation that two leggers use to show gratitude whenever one of us uses their ample belly for a trampoline. It is often followed by gasping and bowing at the waist.

"Hay-ay-ay-ay!"- The two leggers make this sound to indicate that the knock-knack that we are just about to destroy is particularly dear to them. The louder and more staccato the sound, the dearer the knock-knack. 

"Ewyewyewyew!"- An exclamation of discovery made when a bare-footed two legger discovers the hairball left in the hallway.

  Gestures 

 The waggling finger- The waggling finger is an ambiguous gesture that has several meanings. It can serve as an expression of displeasure, an invitation to play or a 1970's dance move. If the waggling finger is paired with a frown or a water squirty thingy, it is most likely an expression of displeasure. If the two legger is smiling, it is an invitation to play. If the two legger is smiling or inebriated, and KC and The Sunshine Band is playing on the radio thingy, it is a 70's dance move.

The tapping of the toe- This gesture is is used by two leggers who lack tails to express agitation or impatience. It is a direct correlation to a cat's twitchy tail. I am very familiar with this gesture and witness it on a daily basis.

The scratching of head thingy- The scratching of the head thingy indicates one of two things: Either the two legger is confused, or he has fleas again. If the scratching continues for several days, it is usually the latter.

Posture

Stooped shoulders- A stooping of the shoulders indicates that the two legger in question is exhausted and therefore ripe to be messed with. Every opportunity should be taken to cause havoc whenever they demonstrate this posture. They are generally easier to fool and less apt to catch you when they attempt pursuit.

Head held high, alert eyes-DANGER!! This should serve as warning sign. This indicates that they are fully alert and feeling very good about themselves. Immediate steps should be taken to negate their self-confidence lest they begin to consider mutiny. They must be reminded that they are still the lower life-form and remain several links down the food chain.

Head held low, glazed eyes and dejected look on face- This is the proper posture for a two legger. It indicates that they have realized their station in life and have accepted that they are fated to serve cats for the remainder of their natural lives. 

Hopefully, with a basic understanding of their rudimentary communication skills, you too will find it easier to subjugate them and bend them to your will.

Unless your name is Ivan, then I recommend using brute force.