Communing With Goats

This morning Ivan laid the Mother of All Stinkies.

I mean this thing was FOUL. Nasty does not even begin to describe it. It was so bad that upon laying it, Ivan jumped out of the litter box and stood in the doorway hissing at it. As the smell wafted through the house it caused widespread panic and destruction along its path. Tiger Lily passed out. Jaq hid in a box and started singing "In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins. Several panels of wallpaper began to curl and peel away from the wall. Three eight leggers dropped from their web thingies, dead.

However, this post is not about Clodzilla.

It is about goat thingies.

The only reason I mention Ivan's All-Star Air Biscuit is that it caused the two leggers to open every window, door and any other possible means of ventilation in an attempt to expel the offending odor as quickly and efficiently as possible.

And so I found myself sitting in the window of the guest bedroom, nose pressed to the screen, gasping for sweet, precious, clean, untainted air. As my dizziness began to subside, I beheld the goat thingies standing not twenty tailspans away. This window is the closest window to the enclosure in which the goat thingies live. It is not a window I frequent because it is also perpetually shaded by a large fir tree.

 Cujo Rule #34, Section V, subsection 14.6, Paragraph 5, line 2 under the heading of "Window Regulations and Practices" clearly states: "No Sunbeam, No Cujo"  

Therefore, I have seldom had occasion to sit in this particular window. Ergo, this was the first time I had ever been close enough to the goat thingies to attempt to establish verbal communication.

Over the years, I have often pondered what I would say to the goat thingies if the opportunity should ever arise. I also have many questions that I'd like to ask them. And of course, I have orders to convey.

Since we had never verbally communicated in the past, I was unsure whether we even spoke the same language. So, I began simply:

"Hello goat thingies, it is I, Cujo, your Lord and Master, Giver and Taker of Life, Worrier of Squirrel Thingies, Slammer of Mouse Thingies and Whacker of The Whiney. You may bow to me at your convenience. Now, I know that you two chewers of cud have observed me in yonder bay window. Through various gestures, tail twitches and the like, I have made my wishes perfectly clear. I have reiterated my desires by pawing and sometimes even smacking the window to recall you to your duty. Yet you seem to ignore my mandates. I hope that you are not intentionally disobeying my orders. If you were indeed being insubordinate, I'm afraid I would be compelled to kill you as an example to the other minions. So I have decided to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that goat thingies have some sort of learning disability when it comes to understanding simple commands. Or perhaps your eyes are incapable of seeing me so far across the yard. So now that you can hear me, now that there can be no misunderstanding. Now that there can be no doubt or misinterpretation of my wishes, I will give you your orders:
       "Kill, harass and maim any squirrel thingies you encounter. There are at least three in that tree behind you. They come down every morning and raid the bird feeders. They return every afternoon by the same route. Ambushing them should be easy. By tomorrow evening, I fully expect to see the carcass of a squirrel hanging from each of your horn thingies. Do not suffer them to live. Eradicate them. I have every confidence that you can accomplish this task. Now go forth and menace."

The goat thingies looked at me. They looked at each other. They looked at a butterfly passing above their heads. Seeming to reach a conclusion, Gracie, the boss goat thingy, turned to me and said:

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

I googled this word to no avail. However, a guy from Wikipedia was pretty sure it meant "Okie Dokie".