Monday, May 28, 2012

The Mancub (Part 1)

I knew something was afoot.

Once again, the two leggers were casting furtive glances my way, speaking in hushed tones and behaving so conspicuously inconspicuous that a blind person wearing headphone thingies blasting Britney Spears' latest attempt at audio warfare would be alerted to their intentions.

Was there a vet thingy visit being plotted?

Were they planning to attempt to bathe me again?

Had they finally tired of Tiger Lily's whining and were trying to decide how to dispose of her in a manner that would appear to be an accident?

None of the above.

They were plotting an escape attempt.

I uncovered their plan when they carelessly left tickets for a cruise on my dining room table. It would seem that they had booked passage on a ship thingy headed for somewhere called "Alaska". According to the brochure, this Alaska is a faraway frozen land that is chock full of bears, eagles, whales, mountains, icebergs, mooses, mountain goat thingies and jewelry stores.

Given all the dangers of traveling by ship in iceberg infested waters where the weather can turn bad in a heartbeat casting their fragile vessel upon an unforgiving shore, in a frigid ocean that has claimed more lives than any other body of water on Earth, I found myself becoming truly concerned:

Who was going to feed me while they were gone?

My fears were alleviated when they introduced me to my substitute servant. He is a 19 year old two legger who works with my two leggers. They told me his name was Matthew, but I decided that his name should be "Mancub".

The first morning after my two leggers embarked upon their ill-advised journey, the mancub appeared clad in football pads, hockey gloves and a motorcycle helmet. It was apparent my two leggers had warned him about me thereby ruining my amusement for the day.

I immediately gave the signal to implement "Operation False Security". This is a tried and true method of convincing suspicious prey thingies that we are nothing more than sweet, loveable, innocent, harmless little kitty cats that only wish to love and be loved by all creatures everywhere. Ivan lay on his back across the living room carpet, softly snoring. Tiger lily sat upon the couch with an innocent look on her freakishly large face. Jaq performed a squeaky ballet, dancing around in small circles on her tiptoes as I sat upon my throne softly purring.

The Mancub entered through the front door, rolled twice and attempted to hide behind the corner of the couch. Though amused by his tactical entry, we maintained our charade and stared at him in bewilderment.  He then crawled across the floor to the pantry on his belly. Never taking his eyes off of us, he filled our food bowl, checked our drinking water, threw a smoke grenade, and disappeared into the dawning day.

The following day, the Mancub repeated his earlier performance, but I knew we were making progress when he opted not to use the smoke grenade.

On the third day, though he still wore the hockey gloves, he left the football pads and motorcycle helmet at home. He even scratched Ivan's ample tummy and called us all "good kitties".

I decided that he had become entirely too comfortable in our presence and it was time to rattle his cage.

On the fourth day, I determined that we would sit in the front bay window while the Mancub approached my house. As he fumbled with his key thingies, we vanished. Each of us retreated to a prearranged hidey hole and waited silently. I ordered Ivan to plug his ears so that he wouldn't hear the sound of food hitting the bottom of the food bowl and be tempted to reveal his hidey hole. Upon entering my house and finding no cats, the Mancub began a systematic search of my residence. After fruitlessly searching the entire house no fewer than three times, the first signs of panic set in. His eye began to twitch, he repeatedly called our names in an increasingly loud and plaintive voice. Just as he began thumbing through the emergency phone numbers, Ivan could resist no longer and appeared next to his food bowl. Since the game was up, I signaled Jaq and Tiger Lily to appear behind him. His panic was replaced by confusion as he wondered how he could have overlooked four full grown felines standing placidly in the middle of an empty hallway.

He left the house scratching his head thingy and mumbling to himself.

To Be Continued...


  1. The CUJOcation of the Mancub sounds like a Meowvelous adventure, Your Royal Commonster :D I anxiously await the next installment!

  2. I'm so sorry your amusement for the first day was ruined!!! Those two leggers can be pretty sneaky. I'm afraid to read more thinking something horrible has happened to Mancub! ((shiver))

  3. Mmmmm, is Mancub on the menu?!
    Can't wait to read about his fate......
    *insert evil laugh here*

    With malice aforethought
    Evil Elmo