Sunday, February 12, 2012

String Theory

One of my loyal minions recently asked: "Why do cats love string?"

This is a common misconception. Cats do not love string. Cats hate string.

We of the feline persuasion have very few natural enemies. But of the 2,653 natural enemies we do have, string rates as number 34. Right between dust bunnies and Dorito's advertising execs.

It is in our evolutionary makeup that any feline upon spotting a piece of string is genetically predisposed to destroy said string with extreme prejudice.

All string lives on borrowed time.

String is not without its defenses. Not unlike mouse thingies, string has developed an increased rate of reproduction in order to battle its high rate of mortality. Their method of reproduction is akin to that of eel thingies that I have observed while watching Animal Planet on the talking box thingy. All the strings gather in one place, (generally a dark, rarely opened drawer) and form into a knotted ball of reproductive ickiness. This is called: "Unified String Theory." The two leggers often try to keep the string from reproducing by removing the ball and attempting to remove the knots. (This is why two leggers refer to reproduction as "being knotty") After several attempts at untangling the string, the two leggers simply give up and throw the ball of copulation to the experts:

Us.

This is when string is at its most vulnerable. It is easily slapped around, batted and chewed. I have also developed a procedure for dealing with this menace:

Step one: The Stalk- This requires stealth and planning. Once spotted, the string ball is to be approached slowly and silently. Moving from hidey hole to hidey hole, you must circle the prey evaluating its size and intent.

Step two: The Pounce- The pounce is only initiated after step one has been thoroughly performed. The pounce consists of launching oneself from a distance of 2.5 tailspans at a 38.7 degree angle and landing squarely upon the ball's Point of Greatest Mass. (PGM)

Step three: The Torment- After pouncing, the string must be taught a lesson. It cannot be dispatched quickly like a common dust bunny, it must be tortured, teased and ridiculed. This is accomplished by securing it in one's forepaws while simultaneously biting it in the area where it's head thingy should be and kicking it with  the hind legs. After tearing it up a while, it should be released for a moment in order to offer it a glimmer of false hope.

Step four: Repeat step three.

Step five:- The Kill- The kill is accomplished when the string is saturated with cat spit and offers no more resistance. One can then stalk away with the satisfaction of a job well done.

The two leggers will be along later to clean up the carnage.

8 comments:

  1. Brilliant strategy! Your theory thingy sounds very logical, Cujo.

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  2. You know how much I hate string, Cujo? I eat it!! Then I poop it out!! Haha!! (But my mom won't let me eat string anymore.)

    Zoey

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  3. For some reason Mommy laughed until she cried at "Knotty Behavior". We don't get it.

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    1. It is a puzzlement why two leggers are so easily amused.

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  4. Wow! Mommy has not roflol like this in a long time, then she kept giggling and saying "frayed Knot"
    Kisses
    Nellie

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    1. Thanks Nellie! Headbonks right back at ya!

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