I am not amused.
Actually, I am beyond being "not amused". I am quickly approaching "being annoyed".
Earlier this week, The Stephanie arrived. For those unfamiliar with The Stephanie, she is the offspring of my two leggers. She is a two legger that moves through my kingdom on four wheels. As I have stated in the past, her wheelchair thingy is the mortal enemy of any four legger in possession of a long tail.
This does not cause me any particular concern owing to the fact that I have trained my tail to be wary of the wheelchair thingy and stay out of its way. However this constitutes a key ingredient in the recipe of my annoyance.
The arrival of the Stephanie coincided with the approach of a two legger holiday called "Thanksgiving".
From what I understand, Thanksgiving is an annual celebration that commemorates the gathering of two different groups of two leggers. One group wore large black hats and were called "Pilgrims". The other group wore the remains of bird thingies and owned casinos. I am unsure of the significance of this gathering, but it seems to herald the time when two leggers start a mass migration to malls.
Thanksgiving does not annoy me. It is a somewhat boring holiday as far as holidays go. My two leggers generally spend the day munching an unnaturally large bird thingy and then watch football. By early afternoon, the male is usually asleep on the couch and the female sequesters herself in my bedroom with a book thingy. However, the arrival of The Stephanie seemed to portend a new twist in the Thanksgiving routine.
Sure enough, the two leggers started preparing food tonight. I assumed that this indicated a large gathering at my house tomorrow.
I immediately started plotting many activities designed to disrupt the gathering. Ivan immediately started drooling, thinking that the house would be filled with food and ankles to munch. He launched into his "happy dance" which consists of him walking in a circle saying "Oh yum yum yum". It's not much of a dance, but it is uniquely Ivan. Tiger Lily began whining about all the noise and Jaq took immediate possession of The Stephanie's lap.
I remained un-annoyed.
It was then that I discovered the ugly truth.
The two leggers were not planning to gather at my house. They are taking all the food, ankles and potential mayhem elsewhere.
This annoyed me.
Once again, the two leggers have thwarted my plans to unleash chaos upon them and their fellow lower lifeforms. They are circumventing my well thought out blueprint for badness. They are withdrawing from the field of battle without a single shot being fired. It's almost as if they don't trust me to behave.
I have reached a decision. Tomorrow, after the two leggers have left for their gathering, we will launch "OPERATION: HOUSEBREAKER".
We will allow no knock-knack to remain unknocked! Dishes left on the counter shall be dealt with accordingly! We will destroy any and all things destroyable! Let no carpet go unblemished! No drape unshredded! Upholstery shall become downpolstery!
To all my minions celebrating Thanksgiving, I hope you have a safe and wonderful holiday. I know I will.
Well, except the "safe" part.