A few days ago, the male two legger left the talking box thingy turned on while he worked in the yard. Shortly after he left, a show came on that attracted my attention.
The name of the show was "World's Most Extreme Mixed Martial Arts Tae Kwon Do Karate Jujitzu Kung Fu Ultimate Wrestling And Fighting Championship". (WMEMMATKDKJKFWFC, for short)
It was sponsored by The Peace Corps.
Anyway, I was fascinated by this program. Two leggers were busily slapping, kicking, punching, throwing things, choking and generally maiming each other. And nobody was spraying them with the water squirty thingy. In fact, other two leggers were cheering them on.
This could be the greatest thing I have ever seen on the talking box thingy.
Even better than "When Animals Attack".
It was then that it dawned on me.
We could sooooo do this.
First thing we needed was cool wrassling names.
Ivan became: "Ivan The Orange Crusher"
We named Tiger Lily: "The Whine-oceris"
I of course, am: "The Tominator"
We waited for the two leggers to retire for the evening before beginning the competition. (better to avoid the possibility of the water squirty thingy)
The first match was a warmup between Ivan and one of the female two legger's boots that was carelessly left outside its' proctective closet. Ivan won handily. He performed a "Sneaky Pete Pounce" and chewed it into submission.
The next match was between Tiger lily and myself. Tiger Lily attempted to stun me with her patented "Whine, Lose or Draw Blood" technique. Fortunately, I countered with a "Paws For Effect" and knocked her flatter than day-old cola.
It was now time for the Main Event.
Ivan and I faced off in the dining room. He poofed his tail in a show of dominance. This cracked me up because it made him look like a traffic cone glued to a basketball. After stifling my inconvenient case of giggles, I laid my ears back and prepared for battle. Turning sideways and crooking my tail, I looked him straight in the eye and said "Bring it on, Tub-a-lump!"
Ivan, unable to control himself, immediately pounced. I absorbed his initial rush by rolling onto my back and adopting the "Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk" strategy. This strategy was originally developed by the two legged mixed martial arts team known as "The Three Stooges". It is performed by placing a front paw upon the forehead of ones opponent and utilizing the advantage of longer forelegs to cause your opponent to swing ineffectively.
Ivan eventually realized that he was having no effect and changed his plan of attack. He attempted to use his advantage in sheer mass to pin me and then chomp me at his leisure. This enabled me to exhibit the benefit of being born without bones. Every time he was sure he had me pinned, I would simply "flow" into a different position and bite him in a totally unexpected region of his anatomy.
Finally, Ivan got tired of taking so many bites, and receiving so little nourishment. that he decided to concede. He proceeded to the guest bedroom where he had a romantic evening planned with the big stuffed bunny.
This means that I am the reigning World Wrassling Champion.
This also makes Tiger Lily the reigning World Wrassling Loser.
Unless you count Ivan's big stuffed bunny.