Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Curtain Calls

Since the dawn of feline/two legger cohabitation, there has been a point of contention that rises above all others.


Two leggers are driven by instinct to hang vertical panels of cloth over every window they encounter. We feline types are driven to destroy these vertical panels of cloth whenever, and wherever we encounter them. It is the natural order of things.

In every society, on every continent, in every age, there is a two legger hanging curtains and its' feline companion waiting patiently to shred them to bits. This is fact.

There is even a depiction of this painted on the walls of a cave in France. It shows a stone age female two legger hanging a bear skin over a hole in the rock only to find in the morning that a saber toothed tiger had torn it up in the night.

What two leggers fail to understand, is the fact that curtains are like visual catnip. When we enter a room and see all that material stretching from floor to ceiling, we are compelled to act. The feel of our claws piercing the fabric as we propel ourselves ever upward. The sound, like the popping of tiny firecracker thingies, is music to our ears.

We take great pride in our curtain climbing abilities. We even hold competitions.

Ivan has his own peculiar style adapted to his speed to bulk ratio. Though seldom able to climb more than three tailspans vertically, he makes up for this deficiency by often pulling the curtain down to him, rod and all. The chaos and damage this causes more than compensates for the lack of height of climb. His motto: "Attitude Trumps Altitude".

Tiger Lily is de-clawed and therefore disqualified from the competition. Although Ivan and I once convinced her to try anyway. The results were amusing. She ran at the window, leapt with all her might and succeeded in slamming herself bodily into the window screen almost dislodging it in the process. Oh how we laughed.

I prefer technique and artistry in my approach to curtain destruction. My favorite method is to get a running start from the hallway, rounding the corner by ricocheting off the end of the couch, leaping from the floor to the top of the lazyboy, and using the spring of the cushion to launch myself to the very top of the curtain. I then enjoy a relaxing fifteen to twenty second hang time.
The artistry in my method lies in the interesting patterns the sun shining through the holes makes on the carpet. I find them relaxing.

Why do we climb curtains? Because they are there.

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