Sunday, February 22, 2015

A Foreign Exchange

While it has been a very stressful week in my Kingdom, I cannot say that it has been without its amusements.

In the last week I have met many new faces and subjugated many new minions.

Probably the most interesting individual I met during my incarceration was a male feline of the Russian Blue variety.

Saturday evening, I had been transferred from my vet thingy's clinic to a veterinary hospital off-island. I do not recall the transfer as I was still gravely ill and not cognizant of my surroundings. However, sometime in the early hours of Sunday morning, I became aware that I was confined in a small cage, surrounded by several other cages containing cats in various stages of recovery. As I took in my surroundings, I became aware that I was being scrutinized by a large, ancient, dark gray mancat. He was sitting atop a padded stool in the middle of the room. His face wore an expression of wry amusement mixed with mild curiosity.

"Ahhh, sleeping one awakes." he softly purred.

"Where am I?" I asked.

"You are guest in Land of Unpleasant Pokings."

"You live here?"



"Da. You know, Da is Rooshan word meaning......Da."

Having dealt with Ivan for the last seven years, I am well qualified in communicating with the mentally challenged and therefore was able to maintain a patient demeanor.

"So, what's your name?" I asked.

"I am Zharkhov, Guardian of Clinic, Grand Marshall of Exam Room, Regent of Radiology and Descendant of Czar Cats."

"Your collars says 'Mr. Tinky.'"

"Da, is typo."

"Ooooooookay, can you tell me why I'm here?"


"..........................", I thought.

"Would you tell me what I'm doing here?"

"Da. You are here for unpleasant pokings."

"Why would they want to poke me unpleasantly?" I queried.

"Unpleasant pokings make cat better. No unpleasant pokes, no feel better."

Finding it difficult to argue with such sound logic, I decided on a different tack. 

"Tell me about yourself." I said.

"I am mighty Rooshan mancat. I have lived here at clinic for many years. I was brought here as small baboushka. When Iron Curtain fall, I find I am trapped here in capitalist clinic. Someday, I return to Mother Roosha. But for now, I stay and run clinic."

It was at this time that one of the vet techs came in and gave me an unpleasant poke. It didn't make me feel better, but it did make me sleepy. When I awoke, Zharkhov (aka Mr. Tinky) was still sitting and observing me.

"You feel better, da?"


"Of course you feel better. If you no feel better, I send for dem and dey give you another unpleasant poke. So you feel better?"


Over the next day or so, I grew to like Zharkhov (aka Mr. Tinky) He was a bit of an odd one, but his Russian accent and rough, peasant personality soon endeared him to me. When I was discharged, he wished me "Vosvadanya".

Curiosity got the better of me, and before I left, I asked him exactly where he was from.

"Albuquerque", he replied.



Monday, February 16, 2015

The Return of The King Thingy

Most of you are aware that I am recovering from a severe health scare.

Last Friday, I was scritching at Death's door.

However, I am a cat and once the door opened, I decided that I would simply stand there, rubbing the doorframe for a while as a very frustrated Grim Reaper yelled "In or out!! Darn cat!".

I decided "out".

I was in acute kidney failure. But with the blessing of many prayerful and supportive minions, and the expert care of Dr. Crystal Brazle, DVM at "Best Friend's Veterinary Center", I am now on the mend and the prognosis is good.

Now I could make several posts about the characters (both two and four legged) that I have met over the last few days, and at some point I probably will, but tonight I would like to speak about a couple of revelations I have had during this health crisis.

First of all, I realized that if I had crossed The Bridge, I had no plan in place for the continuation of my legacy.  All great leaders implement a "Line of Succession" in case they die or are unable to continue their reign. In most kingdoms or dictatorships, the succession is determined by bloodline. However, in my case, being neutered and all, the chances of my siring any progeny are somewhat slim.

Therefore, I have had to resort to a more logical and intelligently considered Line of Succession. Just like the U.S. Government (except the logical and intelligent part). 

After much pondering, I have decided upon the following as my Official Line of Succession:

1. Jaq- She is the obvious choice to take over if I should shred this mortal coil.
2. Sheba- The backyard feral. She is rough around the edges, but streetwise.
3. Ivan- Too dim by far, but with help, he might not fail too miserably.
4. Bob- Being a Peacock, a bit flamboyant, but would be popular in California.
5. Copper- He's a bit goofy, even for a goat thingy, but I like him.
6. The Bathroom Spider.
7. An intelligent-looking hairball I hacked up the other day.
8. Tiger Lily

Thus my legacy is secured. The entire Universe Thingy may rest easy now.

I had another eye-opener upon my return to my Kingdom earlier tonight. It seems my absence has affected my two leggers in a most unexpected way.

My first order of business when I returned home was to express my displeasure by knocking over the first lamp I saw. Fully expecting to be greeted by the water squirty thingy, I was amazed when the two leggers just smiled, hugged each other and exclaimed "He's back!". I then tracked down Tiger Lily and gave her my patented "Miss Me?" smack. This always draws their ire. They stood there grinning stupidly. Finally, I pulled out the big guns. As she watched, I sharpened my claws on the female's favorite upholstered chair. As she rushed at me from across the bedroom, I thought to myself "Here we go!", but instead of screaming, she swooped me into her arms and hugged me with tears in her eyes.

After much pondering, I have reached a conclusion.

Perhaps the vet thingy drugged them too.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

True Love

For the first time in my life, I find myself in love.

Yes, last night I met "The One".

It was such a life-altering event that I felt inspired to put my feelings into verse.

You have been warned.........

           Ode To The Cat In The Window

Last night I saw you,
While sitting on the sill.
Staring through the window,
Causing my heart to still.

A feline so sleek and lovely,
A form so full of grace.
Markings aesthetically pleasing,
A perfectly perfect face.

Your eyes are bright and glowing,
belying a brilliant brain.
I feel if I can't have you,
I will surely go insane.

Your coat is so gorgeous,
Like the finest Chinese silk.
I could drink in your whole being,
Like a saucer of sweetest milk.

Your presence lightens my heart,
It brightens the darkest day.
It dispels all the mists,
It chases away the gray.

Now I understand Valentine's Day!
How could I have been so dense?
All that mooshy, lovey stuff
Is finally making sense!

Your sly grin and knowing look
Has melted my icy heart.
This chance encounter in the night
Has given me a fresh start!

 But alas, I am mistaken.
A victim of self-deception.
The wondrous vision in the window
Is simply my own reflection.

Happy Valentine's Day to all my minions!