Sunday, August 24, 2014

Martial Paw

I have discovered that there exists a breed of two leggers that deserve my respect.

I have been watching several shows on the talking box thingy about them and have reached the conclusion that they are the most feline of all two leggers.

They are like cats with thumbs.

They are called..........Ninja thingies!!!!

They stalk the night, silent as shadows, blending with the darkness, striking suddenly and without mercy all those who annoy them.

Ivan and I have decided to become Ninja thingies.

Well, to be honest, I decided that we are to become Ninja thingies. Ivan is only doing it because I told him that Ninjas get to break stuff and eat a lot of Chinese food.

It was probably the food that convinced him.

So we immediately began our Ninja training:
Ninja thingies must move silently through a variety of obstacles and conditions. We practiced this skill by weaving through the multitude of knock knacks the female two legger cherishes so dearly. I told Ivan that he must navigate the shelf without touching a single knock knack. I then demonstrated by slinking slowly and silently from one side of the shelf to the other. Though the temptation to slap each and every one of them was great, I knew that the Way of The Ninja Thingy required great self-discipline and I resisted the temptation to smack them into oblivion.

Ivan was somewhat less successful. As he jumped upon the shelf, his greater bulk over-balanced the shelf causing the knock knacks to fly across the room as if launched by a teeter-totter from hell. I was forced to admit that by not actually touching any of the knock knacks, he passed the test, but I feel he missed the spirit of the exercise.

Ninja thingies are masters of concealment. They can blend into their surroundings enabling them to move unseen in the pursuit of their prey. To this end, we have been attempting to remain in the bedroom at night after the two leggers have gone to bed in the false belief that we have been locked safely in the front of the house.

I have been able to achieve this with every attempt. Ivan........not so much.

Whereas I am able to conceal myself in the folds of a blanket and lie perfectly still, silent and unmoving, Ivan invariably fails to control the excited twitching of his stubby tail. On the few occasions that he has been in control of his tail, he blows it by suddenly getting a case of the giggles right after the two leggers turn out the lights.

Finally, Ninja thingies are deadly fighters. They are masters of a variety of weapons and fighting techniques.

World famous for his patented "Karate Chomp", I figured that Ivan was surely able to grasp this part of the program.

I quickly realized that my optimism was unfounded.

Oh sure, he is great at chomping. His jaws are the stuff of legend. But like any effective weapon, they must be well-aimed. When Ivan attacks, he tends to chomp everything, and I mean everything, that comes within his grasp. Unfortunately, this includes shoes, pillows, table legs, rocks, dishes, silverware, books and in one tragic incident, an extension cord.

The smell of singed fur permeates the hallway even to this day.

And so, I have regretfully decided that perhaps Ivan does not have what it takes to become a Ninja thingy. 

But perhaps all is not lost. While I continued working on my Ninja skills, I also continued to seek proper employment for Ivan's limited assassin abilities. But how could I possibly utilize a dim-witted, overweight, uncoordinated, stinky and unattractive individual such as Ivan?

Hmmmmmm.........what's this Sumo thingy?

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

The Wrongest Yard

Last night I visited my Outer Kingdom.

At first, I had planned to give a brief summary of my adventure, but upon further consideration I decided that the only way to convey the true spirit of my idyll was in verse.

And anyway, it's been a while since I subjected my minions to the pure, unadulterated torture that is my poetry.

Those of you with a weak literary stomach may wish to look away now.

Beyond The Sliding Door Thingy  

Beyond the sliding door thingy  
Is the place I've longed to go.
No matter the weather there,
Be it wind or rain or snow.

I've spent many hours staring
through the cold, rain-speckled glass,
Standing motionless like a statue,
Or sitting on my perfect.......tail.

Last night as I stood my vigil,
There erupted a ruckus upon my deck.
The male two legger rushed over
And exclaimed "What the heck?"

He didn't even notice me.
He spared me not a glance.
And as he opened the outer screen,
I finally saw my chance.

Tiger Lily guessed my plan.
She whined "You better not!"
So I gave her a goodbye smack
As I snuck out through the slot.

Jaq's soft voice followed
Singing the theme from "Born Free".
Ivan was in the bathroom
Playing checkers with a flea.

Unnoticed by the two leggers
I slipped into the night.
An avenging nocturnal spirit
Dressed in black and white.

I set for the bird feeders.
A predator seeking prey.
But before I could catch one,
The birds all flew away.

No big deal, I thought.
It's the squirrel I truly seek.
I'll find him and stalk him,
And slay the furry freak.
 But alas, it was not to be.
The vermin alas had fled.
He was probably playing with his nuts
Up in his tree-bound bed.

I shall inspect the ferals!
The strays that haunt my lawns.
I would show them my noblesse,
The King would greet the pawns.

I approached Inky and Sheba,
They sat there looking bored.
But perhaps they were simply stunned,
By the presence of their lord.

I said "Bow to me wild minions!"
"For I have come to thee!"
But Inky just leaned to Sheba
And whispered, "Who is he?"

"He's that maniacal little tuxie"  
Said Sheba to her kitten.
"You've seen him in the windows,
Smacking the glass, a-hissin and a-spittin"

Obviously, they are in error.
Perhaps, they are misled.
Or perhaps due to their rough living,
They are damaged in the head.

Whatever the cause
Of this gross misapprehension,
I decided to leave them
and thus relieve the tension.

It was time to go back home.
To end my Royal Field Trip.
Now to figure out a way,
Into my house to slip.

I only had to wait a short time
Before they realized I was missing.
For the house was too quiet.
No sounds of fighting and hissing.

Whenever things get peaceful,
The two leggers soon grow wary.
They know that something's amiss
And find my silence scary.

So after a brief search
They realized where I'd gone.
They opened the slider
And I walked in with a carefree yawn.

So now I am returned.

Bearing gifts I am back.
I gave Ivan an old pine cone.
And Tiger Lily a smack.